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Old 03-28-2013, 03:15 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,716

Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
Maybe marriage is done differently in your part of the world. In the UK where I live, it's usual (there may be exceptions sometimes) for the father of the bride to 'give the bride away.' Sometimes another male relative performs the role if the father isn't available. I have been at at least one wedding where the bride walked up the aisle herself and 'gave herself away.' This is what I refer to.

...The difficulty I have is that the pretense tends not to be stated explicitly. It kind of becomes like lying.
"Who gives this woman?" is a traditional part of the marriage ceremony here as well...we didn't use it. There is also a traditional part where the official asks "If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together – let them speak now or forever hold their peace." We didn't use that either. For that matter "Forsaking all others" didn't make an appearance either...(nor did any "obey" type promises)

We know exactly what we promised each other because WE chose what to say - I listed out 8-10 traditional vows that I was willing to voice, then gave the list to him and he picked out the 5-6 that he felt applied and that's what we went with...after a few years of conversation about what marriage meant to US.

Anyone at the ceremony who wasn't "in the know" would have just seen a very, very traditional wedding. But we didn't actually say anything that we didn't intend to say after serious consideration.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Our province actually governs the exact wording of the vows, and you're not allowed to change them. You can add extra parts where you make your little speech, but if you want to get married in the province, you have to say the prescribed words.
Blech. How annoying! Here (PA, USA) - you pay the fee, the appropriate people sign the certificate and it's legal. You can get a "Quaker" license and marry yourselves - don't even need an "official". The ceremony itself is just for show - you can do whatever the hell you want.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I guess there's two kinds of pretense. There's pretense to the world, and pretense to each other. We discussed our relationship boundaries very extensively, and we knew exactly which parts of the pre-written government ceremony we agreed with and which parts we were just saying for convenience.

...The wedding was all about us. That some people heard me say some stuff that I didn't mean doesn't concern me. I didn't marry them. I married my husband, and he knows what I truly meant. I think that's what counts.
That's how I would have viewed it if I lived somewhere where you HAD to say certain words to get married. All that really matters is what you and your partner(s) agree matters.

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
To me, the commitment and promises are about what we say to one another every day and reinforce with our actions. The wedding is not the marriage. Standing up in front of our friends and family and repeating some words does not a marriage make, it just puts it down on paper.
Amen and hallelujah! I have been told by people in the past that I am not "really" married because...I didn't change my name, we aren't sexually exclusive, I ID as bisexual, etc. (Interestingly, I have also been told that I am not "really" bisexual because I am married...go figure.)

Well, I consider myself married, my husband thinks he is married, the government lets us file taxes as "married", and I can name him as a beneficiary without hassle on financial documents/etc. - that's "married" enough for me. I don't really give a flying fuck what other people think I mean when I say "married" - that's their problem.


Now, a more interesting question, to me is... would I do it again? Say if MrS and I met now, rather than 20 years ago - yes, probably, but for different, more practical reasons - at that point in my life I wanted the "security" of official sanction (I was 22 when we got married). I'm secure in our commitment with/or without the official recognition - so it would be more of a financial decision at this point. Same commitment, same promises, but without official sanction...I'd be fine with that - now.

If multiple marriages were allowed by law would I "marry" Dude, too? Maybe? Not yet? I could see the possibility of this in the future, but our relationship is not "there" yet. We are in what GalaGirl would probably refer to as a "period of discernment" - we are coming at things from different perspectives, we are figuring out what we mean to each other and what that means. We are committed to figuring shit out and not backing away when it gets hard...we are talking about years/decades/"forevers" of future togetherness as being an achievable goal, but it could still come to pass that we find out that we are fundamentally incompatible for that time frame - but we are both game for exploring the possibilities.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-28-2013 at 03:18 AM.
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