Originally Posted by fuchka
... The other morning, I tried to initiate some fooling around in bed in the morning with Ocean, and he said he didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mood and/or had to get going for work. Can't remember what combination of the usual responses...
...This was the morning after a conversation I tried to have with him, the previous night, about if he could let me know when a good time was, for sex. Because it seems like it's never a good time. And he said, sleepily, "I don't like to plan these things." We said we'd talk about it later.
Argh. I'm not dealing with this well. As in, I don't have good strategies. I'm honest and speak up when things happen that hurt me, like the above, but maybe I'm not timing it right, or phrasing it right. I'm heard but nothing seems to change. Well. I'm even not sure what I want to change. I just don't want things to be this way.
...He is sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. I am sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. We love each other, forgive each other, hug and kiss and sometimes - though too rarely - sweetly fuck.
Other times I'm mad, I hate him for making me feel un-sexy, ignore-able. I'm wildly, non-rationally, irate. I hate him for being too goddamn lazy to sacrifice anything, his morning news, his muesli, his new favourite book, for trying to get in the mood. For not seeing any point in cultivating a sexual mood, not having any hope that feeding the beast might make it grow. He's really quiet in sex, almost unresponsive, and this attitude makes it feel especially bad sometimes when I'm randy, coaxing him, and he says nothing. God, man, what are you feeling? Talk to me.
....Ocean and I have scheduled time tomorrow but I almost don't want to see him. I don't want to not have sex with him. And, actually, I don't want to have sex with him. It's like I'm over it. I'm over grappling with this issue. I'm over being satisfied with whatever he's feeling okay to give today. I'm over feeling greedy for asking for more.
I had meant to respond to this post sooner - so much of what you said here resonated with how I was feeling with regard to MrS. (This was before Dude came into the picture.)
His libido, never very high, had fallen further. My frustration simmered. I felt un-sexy, fat, un-attractive. (This was exacerbated by the fact that, we were actually trying to conceive during a portion of this time - more pressure.)
I found myself sulking, angry, crying - even caught myself engaging in passive-aggressive cries for attention (something I can't stand). It had to stop - I was driving myself crazy. Sulking, angry, crazy people are not people that I would want to sleep with either! So - I took stock. I AM sexy - I actually don't need him to validate that. I cultivated my relationship with myself - to get back to that person I remembered being. It's not that I didn't want to have sex with him (I did), but I didn't HAVE to. I put baby-making in the "if it happens" file - not a priority. After an intimate conversation/bonding evening - I would say - "I have to go to bed, but you have me a little worked up
- so if you hear my vibrator going when you come upstairs...feel free to join me.
" I don't know that we had any more sex, but my perspective had changed - I didn't spend so much time feeling bad, spent more time masturbating, AND...sometimes he did join me. (Yea!)
Originally Posted by fuchka
In this climate, having good sex with other people frightens me a little. Ocean & I don't have regular sex these days. I don't want to get in the habit of enjoying fucking other people and having a largely non-sexual relationship with Ocean.
...He admits that he deprioritises this because he can, because he feels we're solid. And I can't deny that. Also, in a way, the fact we don't have sex keeps things simpler, gives us more time for other things. But I can't help questioning if this is wise, when this spare energy facilitates sexual relationships with other people, but not each other?
Occasionally I've asked him directly - do you think we'd have more sex with each other if we were monogamous? Rational as ever, he says: maybe. Ah, the guilt used to overwhelm me. But really? Not being monogamous has kept me sane, when my libido has soared at times when his has stalled. Yes, maybe things would have been different libido-wise if we were monogamous. I don't know, and we'll never know. We just have to battle on.
... But also an unconcernedness which I find at times callous. When other people are really into fucking me, the contrast with Ocean is more pronounced. He's happy for me, getting sex elsewhere, happy that I'm happy. And of course I'm enjoying myself. But, yeah, it makes me less patient with Ocean, even panicked.
...Really, I just don't want my sexual connections with other people to erode my relationship with Ocean. The blackest fear is that it's already too late for that.
For us, what ended up happening was that it was knowing that I was getting my sexual needs met elsewhere that allowed MrS to figure out how to ... balance my needs with his. He admits now, looking back, that when I was feeling desperate for him he was almost afraid to let anything that could
lead to sex happen because he was afraid that he wouldn't "get into it" and then he would feel bad for disappointing me.
Now he finds that he can just let go - take things to whatever level they get to, please me/please himself/whatever - and that he always has the option of sending in a pinch-hitter (Dude). Taking the pressure off has REALLY improved...everything. As we had more and more positive experiences...his confidence and enjoyment of sex rebounded.
Now, this didn't happen right away - the dynamic between the three of us evolved and stabilized to get us here. But...yeah...I've had more (and more varied) sex with my husband in the last 6 mos than I did in the 6 years before Dude entered the picture.
I've taken up too much space on your blog - feel free to PM me if you want to talk.