Confused: Poly and threesomes are not the same correct?
Newb here who's confused and hoping some more experienced poly's can offer some advice.
Background:I am a straight female who is monogamous. My fiance J, came out as being poly/bi going on 2 years ago. Mind you we've been together for over 6 years and engaged for most of it so this came as a shock. J was my first everything (relationship/sex). Poly was never something I considered for myself so I did not want to throw away the relationship just cause. I do love him and want him to be happy so I am trying to be open but at the same time not sure what I can handle. We tried a relationship in the past and it failed. J hooked up with A from work and while I had a little discomfort it did not bother me too much (mostly just uncomfortable with PDA, hugs and kisses are ok but full on make out session not comfortable with). J really wanted me to have a relationship/threesome with A. Now while J has no problem jumping into the physical side of relationships quickly, I tend to need more than attraction. I need to get to know a person enough to trust and be friends with them before anything physical in nature comes into play. So A and I took the time to hang out and were on our way to being friends. Our problems came with J pushing both of us into doing things of a sexual nature before either of us was ready. The result, A got angry/unhappy with J and pulled away from him but became closer with me (mainly because I just wanted to be friends and was not interested in doing things of a sexual nature yet). So naturally J got hurt and next thing I know, he's saying A was out to get me and break us up and J's friends are warning him etc. End result, A is no longer in the scene and I'm less one possible new friend and totally confused/lost as to what REALLY happened versus what J told me. J went back to pushing for me to have threesomes/moresomes to the point I had to give him the ultimatum of exclusive or break up. I do not like having to do that but the pain/stress was just too much for me.
PROBLEM: Recently J brought up wishing to try again with having an open relationship with another. He really wants me to be with another man with him. I told him the problem wasn't being with another person but that he pushes for too much too soon. My main problem is J is REALLY pushing me to have threesomes and moresomes. I am super not comfortable with this. While I'm not totally opposed to open relationship I am strongly against seeing/participation in sex acts with others especially seeing others with J. I am not saying a threesome could never happen but I am saying it has to happen at my pace with someone of MY choosing. I'm worried that while I love J, is a future possible with J? I want him to be happy but not at the expense of my happiness. Am I opposed to poly or just the idea/practice or threesomes moresomes, or both?
Confused and stressed, thy name is Beth.