GalaGirl, I guess I don't understand what expectations there are in a V, although I think I understand the concept.
The triggers are usually me being upset about something he said or did. Such as I will see a text he has sent her, or he will tell me something that happened. These are things that I should be ok with and I'm not. My reactions, I am ashamed to say are horrible. I will yell and scream at him, accuse him of things, jump to conclusions, threaten to leave (these are the reasons i am seeking counseling), etc.
The reasons I feel he is not honest with himself or me, is I feel he is in denial about how deeply he cares for her. After about 3 weeks, I could see that he had deep feelings, but he denied it. Then she ended it for about a week, and he was devastated, and realized his feelings were deeper than he realized. He also has started keeping information from me because I was freaking out, so yes, lies of omission. Some of the things I found out proved to me that his feelings are deeper than he lets on to me.
He typically spends one week with us, and then one week at work, of which they will typically see each other 3-5 times. Lately he has been working a lot of overtime, so spending more time down there, and more opportunities to see her. In the past 3 weeks, I have spent 3 days with him. Granted he is not spending all three weeks with her either. But because it is related to work, he really can't choose how many days he is home with me, or down there.
I think that part of my problems are just that i have a hard time seeing him loving someone else. I never thought that would be an issue when I chose to be with him. I really am trying to wrap my head around it and do what i can to change my way of thinking about it, but it has been so difficult because I feel I was not prepared. I felt blindsided by it all, as if someone said "ok, he loves you, but now someone else too, you are just going to have to deal with that". It doesn't help that he gets very defensive of his actions sometimes so that I feel like he is fighting against me instead of being on my side.
Thanks for letting me rant! It helps just to have a place to vent my frustrations!