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Old 03-26-2013, 11:43 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,331

Thanks for the input, Galagirl. We are practicing a primary/secondary model, and are not looking to make her a trio with both of us. Although he has expressed the desire to do a threesome with both of us, I don't think that she or I are up for that right now...not to say that it isn't an option down the road.
I did not mean "trio" like a "triad" model with all of you lovers right now.

I mean "trio" like "this polyship has 3 people in it."

Right now then you are 3 people in polyship arranged as a primary-secondary model "V" with him as the shared sweetie hinge person. Does each person understand that? Living up to the expectations of that?

I have talked to him about what I felt my needs were. He stepped it up for a few weeks, and the fights continued, so he gave up. He stopped trying to do anything extra with me, and just did the bare minimum because he was frustrated with my behavior.
What was the fighting trigger? what was your behavior that was objectionable?

I think a main problem has been my reactions to all of this. I have been extremely jealous and insecure (thanks, that article looks like it has some good info). So I am trying to deal with that on my own. I have made an appointment to see a counselor to try and work through some of my insecurities.
You and he could each do the page 5 and 6 things to see if that helps.

You getting counseling for extra support is good.

I feel like he is not being honest with himself or me about his feelings for her.
Feelings are not logical. They also change. Could go with behavior done/not done instead. What behaviors does he do/not do that are dishonest? Does he lie to you and you catch him in it? Does he leave things out and then you find out about it? (lies of omission?)

They could be just infatuation with her and the NRE, but that is still difficult for me seeing as how I wasn't really prepared for jumping into this, and the rapidness at which it has progressed. I wish that he would slow down on the progression with her.
Slow progression on his feelings for her? That's not controllable in that way. Otherwise I could say "Poof! I want you to not feel yucky this deeply or at all!" and you wouldn't feel bad.

What you can ask is to slow down behavior. Spend X days at home in a week doing things with you/kids/chores. Spend Y days with her a week. That's behaviors done/not done. Rather than feelings felt this fast or that fast.
I have brought this up to him, but he did not say he would, and I don't know if he is willing to for fear that doing so will upset her or end it.
Could ask him -- are you willing to meet my needs/requests?

As for his fears for how his other relationship is going -- let it be his problem. That's his problem to deal with on that side of his polyship V. That's why it is called DATING. Not all of them will be long term compatible. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't.

I do not know if reading pitfalls or poly hell could help you get a better handle on your own emotional management. But I offer that in case it does.

Hang in there.

Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. Do your best to just let it blow on through. Some emotions are yummy to feel. Some emotions are yucky to feel. But behavior done/not done is something you each can control if you choose.

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