This is unrelated but I guess it is part of the love in my life. I wanted to write about something that happened this weekend but I couldn't seem to do it without going on for pages about my parents. Only in the last few years have I realized how much of ones thoughts and emotions can be traced back to things your parents did.
To try to make a long story short I haven't seen my mom in two and half years. She moved to another state during my parents split but had been visiting where I live once or twice a year since her 3 children, 3 grandchildren and 2 sisters all live here. Then one of my brothers moved across the country and suddenly she had a bunch of reasons she couldn't come. The last time I saw her I had invited her on a trip with Herman, Jasper and I. I have invited her since but she said she got a new job and she is also an artist and has been very busy, etc. I am happy for her because she is getting a chance to have her own life in a place she loves rather than just following along supporting someone elses dreams like I perceived her marriage. That said I have not been able to go visit her because she happened to move to a place that traumatized me numerous times on family vacations as a kid. Nothing that terrible but, injuries I still have scars from, animal attacks, getting lost or stranded, severe storms. Enough that I vowed 15 years ago that I would never return as an adult. I mentioned that I've started hiking and camping again but I had anxiety that kept me far from such activities for many years until I've come to realize that as an adult I have control over my own well being and the situations I put myself in which I did not have back then. This year I decided I was ready to face it and go see her and have been thinking about a trip probably in October when she said the weather was best. So yeah that part is my fault but I was working on it.
In the last few months my brother who had moved has returned. My brothers are 10 and 12 years older than me and we have never been close. This brother has been at odds with one or another member of the family since he met his wife. For years she hated both my parents, now since my parents split she seems to like my mom but they both hate my dad and I have no idea what their problem is with me but I've kept my distance since they both made horrific comments publicly about Herman at our wedding and have taken every opportunity to continue since. When they moved back, they found me on facebook and I accepted the requests but they immediately started with the nasty comments on random things I would post. I haven't unfriended them because I'd rather not give them the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me. On saturday I saw he posted a picture on his page of himself and my mom titled "moms here!" She hasn't bothered to contact me at all. I can't contact her because she doesn't have a cell phone and I don't have his number. I don't know why she's here or for how long but they appeared to just be out having fun.
It really upset me. I started thinking about it in sort of poly relationship terms because that's where my mind has been lately. If they had planned this trip for him and her I guess it makes sense they would not want to take time out of it for her to visit other people. To my knowledge she has never made the trip out here without seeing everyone whether we got together as a group or she made a few stops but I guess I might be wrong. It just seems like if it were meant to be private, he could have not posted it on facebook. If it were my partner visiting someone else I would fight this jealousy and tell myself her spending time with him was not intended to hurt me. Then again I would hope they wouldn't put me in the position of finding out they were nearby for the first time in years from someone else on facebook. I certainly don't need for everyone to be equal, I know he has seen her several times since I have and it never bothered me before. It's just very disappointing that this didn't even prompt a call to say she thought about me being so close and sadly wouldn't be able to see me.