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Old 03-24-2013, 09:44 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by Natja View Post
I am not certain why you chose my quote, since plenty of people agree on this thread that Liam in an added complication in an already upsetting and volatile situation.
Because you said it first, no other reason. I'm not trying to single you out or anything.

She has a crush on Liam
Your words, not hers. She says she loves him. I hear that as more than just a crush.

it makes no sense at all to risk her marriage for this crush that probably will not go anywhere
But it makes sense to let her husband change who she is? To give in to his demands just because he's now realized he doesn't like what he signed up for 5 years ago?

I think standing up for who you are and sticking to your beliefs are very good reasons for risking a marriage. People have risked far more than marriage for their principles. A spouse should complement you, support you, and understand you. Above all else, they should accept you. They should not try to change you. If he really wants a reason why he's "not enough" for her, there it is: you don't accept me.

I don't ascribe to the 'Woe is me, I am a victim of my feelings' mentality anyway. She can stop it, she just doesn't want to.
I agree that she's no victim to her feelings and that she has the choice whether to be involved with Liam. With Liam specifically, I agree that she's playing victim with "there's nothing I can do about it."

She can stop seeing Liam. She can't stop being poly. Why should she have to?

my viewpoints is not to rail road her husband in a put up or shut up sort of way
So it's fair for him to railroad her in a "change who you are because it hurts my feelings" sort of way?

if she wants to work on her marriage, she needs to concentrate on the marriage, rather than creating NRE with Liam
The fundamental problem I see in their marriage, based on what little we have to go on, is that she is not happy being forced to act monogamous.

I don't see what she can do to work on that. Her husband married a polyamorous woman and now he's trying to make her change. You just don't do that to people. If you don't accept someone how they are, then you don't marry them. It's not rocket science.

It's not like they were mono, then she meets this guy and decides she's not mono, and now wants to change the boundaries of the marriage. In that case, I would agree that she could put the guy on hold while her husband adjusts to the new paradigm. But he's had over 5 years to adjust to a paradigm that pre-exists their marriage. If he was putting in effort to actually do that, she wouldn't be here.

He asks what he can do to make her happy. What he really means is, what can he do to make her happy being monogamous?

What does the OP want? Marriage or Liam, she won't have them both, not ethically.
But the choice is not "marriage or Liam," it's "marriage or polyamory." Liam is just one romance in a lifelong journey of loving multiple people. He's not asking her to give up Liam because there's something specifically wrong with Liam. He hasn't even said "give up Liam to give me space to work on accepting your poly."

He's asking her to give up Liam because he hates everything Liam represents: the fact that he's not "enough" for her.

He needs to accept that he is not enough for her, and that's not a failing in him or even her. I love pizza, but I can't live on pizza alone. That doesn't mean pizza should feel inadequate just because I need to eat other things. It just means I'm the kind of animal that can't live on one single type of food.

I don't see how giving up Liam will solve anything. Of course we don't have his side, but I'm not hearing any indication that the husband will work on accepting polyamory, but that Liam makes it too much right now. I'm hearing that he wants Liam to go away so he can go back to pretending he married a monogamous woman.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 03-24-2013 at 09:55 PM.
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