View Single Post
Old 03-24-2013, 06:59 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Originally Posted by dryad View Post
He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now, he's not OK with it. Maybe because he's got used to having me to himself?
He probably told himself that you would never really act on it. In could be that in his mind, it was fine for you to "be poly" and have those thoughts and feelings, but not to actually act on them.

People tell themselves all kinds of stories. "She's not really poly, she just hasn't found the right man. I'll show her. I'll be man enough that she doesn't need anyone else." Then when reality doesn't line up with the stories some people tell themselves, they try to change reality to match their story.

Originally Posted by dryad View Post
I think he really wants an answer to his question "why aren't I enough for you?" But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?
He will probably never really "get it," just like I will never truly understand the monogamous mindset. I can accept, intellectually, that some people are mono-wired and they can be satisfied knowing they will only be with that one person for the rest of their life. But it's always "ok, I believe you" not "yeah, that makes sense."

He's obviously mono-wired. He was married and dating you, his ex-wife is poly, there was no logistical reason he couldn't see you and still be married to her. But that's not how he rolls, which is fine.

Originally Posted by Natja View Post
And please back off from Liam, that will just complicate things far too much right now.
I respectfully disagree. The husband has had 5 years to deal with dryad's polyamory. When her relationship ended with Ben, he manipulated her into agreeing not to do that again. He did not try to accept her polyamory in the past, so why would he start now if he can get her to just stop behaving poly?

Whenever she's not into someone else, he can just put his head in the sand and pretend she's monogamous. If she keeps giving up her other loves for his sake, he may come to believe that all he has to do is put his foot down and force her to follow his monogamous rules. If she ends her involvement with Liam, it's sending the message to her husband that she is willing to put her basic nature aside for the sake of his discomfort.

This isn't some new thing that she just stumbled on last week. If he's uncomfortable with polyamory, he shouldn't have married a polyamorist woman. Simple as that. He knew she was poly and he married her anyway. He doesn't get to wake up one day and decide that she has to become mono just because coping with poly is painful. He has to learn to accept it, or he has to leave
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote