Originally Posted by Phy
I was thinking about the same topic while reading your entries (here and on your tumblr) but I want to add something else: Yes, you are right to stay wary and not fall too deep right now, but honestly, this seems to be what you needed so much and now that you found it, I can understand that you are loosing yourself a bit. Even if this is bound to end some time soon, no one will be able steel those moments ever again. But of course, I hope that you two are going to last some time, it's lovely to read about you
You seem to match so well.
Wishing you luck, love and more adventurous lovemaking to come into your life
Thanks for this.
The most bittersweet thing that I could think of would be if this were it, if we got this and then nothing else. But yes, even then, I would never ever choose to go back and give up the times we've had together so far, and I will always have them within me.
I got really scared last night. I was hungry, and tired, and menstruating, and I'd probably just begun to come down from some week-long endorphin high. I kept asking myself, what if this is somehow all just chemicals, and we'll wake up in a couple of weeks and not know what we were thinking or what we were doing. What if this burns out quickly, and was never really real. I knew the thoughts were irrational and unhelpful, but I didn't have it in me to do much to fend them off, and I was just pretty distressed for a while.
Late in the evening, once I was in bed, Davis called me. He'd been better the night before last, we'd spoken briefly and he'd been fine then, but during this call he was deeply despondent, it was scary. Definitely depressed. I told him that I was feeling fragile myself, and that I wasn't sure how much support I could be, but that I'd listen. I pushed him more about therapy, but that conversation was left unresolved. I was so, so, so tired by the time I got off the phone. I've had plenty of people in my life with depression before, and I know that there's nothing I can do. I have a lot of hope that he'll get help, but he might well go on choosing not to.
This morning, I got to chat with Clay. I told him everything that had been going on in my head, and he listened and thanked me for sharing with him about it, asked if there was anything he could do to help. I told him that I thought just seeing him again would help a lot. We'll be together in about three hours.
I love that he always wants to hear what's going on with me. He never seems to feel like I'm over-sharing or just being weird/awkward/annoying when I lay out the various twists of my mind, and it's so nice not to have to hold anything back. He said that it makes him feel more secure in our D/s dynamic, to know as much about me as possible. Such a nice sentiment.