Continuation Of Self-Realisation
Reading up on a lot of personally related stuff and things, and realising further how terrible people are and always have been through my life.
Understanding why I am the way I am.
Biggest problem seems to be, that I've noticed so far, is that I knew all of this stuff subconsciously all along. It's the kind of stuff I was always telling people, but was always made to believe I was in the wrong.
Now I realise, it's actually because NOBODY FUCKING LISTENED.
In the time frame I'm thinking of, it generally makes sense to a lot of people. I was a small, insignificant child. What could I possibly understand more than an adult? [Something in itself which has always pissed me off since. Pissed off even writing about it, forcing myself to think of these moments...]
I haven't really changed, either. In the sense that I am still making myself clear. Perhaps not clear English, meaning that some kind of interpreter is needed... But in general, I'm not one to hide, not one to lie... I give people everything they would need to help me out.
I still see these kinds of people all around me today. Still nobody listens.
It seems to many people that to "shift" the blame to the world around me wouldn't seem fair.
"If you knew, why didn't you do something about it then?"... Well, that's the entire point here...
I was. Even if I didn't know it at the time, I was doing what I could, as a child, to get where I needed. For a lot of it, I did manage to help myself in a more direct way. The majority of things I know, I know them because I personally went out of my way to understand them. Sure, a few people have been great anomalies of interaction, who have taught me in ways I could not thank them enough for... But mostly down to my own annoyance at everyone else. The things I couldn't, and still cannot help myself with, are where I've always fallen down on, because of those people. They were there as guides. That was their job at that time in my life. But because they couldn't listen, they failed me.
Some things I go on to learn myself in the future, in a point where it is too late for the required tasks I needed the knowledge for. Some things I'm certain I still don't know. Of those, some I can't even remember. Things that I don't know I don't know. Others being things I've tried to know, and failed at. For various reasons of who I am, and how I function, they seem to be impossibilities without a guide.
So I most definitely blame people other than myself. For holding me back. Not teaching me the things I could have learnt much earlier than now.
Music is [obviously] one of my greatest loves in life. Something I actively pursue greater knowledge of. Something that still frustrates me. I understand basic principles. I understand complex ones even greater [somehow]. But for some reason, is still something I find incredibly difficult to get my ideas out onto.
I'm obviously no great writer. I've struggled with formal writing my entire life. Creative writing not far behind. I find it difficult to even get my point across in formal conversation, to the point that other people get frustrated with me. Though I don't find it a skill I much care about enhancing, as all through my life, nothing has ever worked in doing so. But the frustration from not being able to use it well is nothing compared to the frustration I get with something like music.
Not even just music, but it was an obvious and easy example.
I just wanted to write this all to say that being frustrated with all in life seems to be the entire point of my life. I'm moving too slowly for my liking, and THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT PERSONALLY [otherwise I would have done already].
Bursts of productivity come through, and then seem to have a recharge period of varying lengths. I feel this is the beginning of one of those bursts. Even if this particular writing doesn't do anything productive for everyone reading it, this kind of thing becomes a great reflection for me. For days after my last one of these mejiggers, I had taken a lot off my chest, and felt more free. This is just another, from another subject, more focused.
I'm pretty sure that my problem is most likely ADD [or more correctly these days, ADHD-PI]. Of course, not being a doctor, I'm not qualified to say definitely. But being intelligent, and aware of myself, I can say for certain that there is nothing else that describes me better, from the earliest age I can remember. In itself, it also gives reason for a lot of personality traits I know I have, and a lot of personality traits, in turn, point to ADD.
I'm hoping that I can find some help to figure out if it is, and how to help me with that. [without throwing medication down my gullet]
Much love. <3
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