I think I'll get off high school now. My grades were alright. Above average. Some things did fantastic at. Others, disappointments. But enough to get me right into college.
College was a fantastic experience. Right off, though, I did terrible. I didn't put the effort in, that I felt I should. But for reasons we'll get to, that are connected to the end of high school.
Now, I met amazing people here. Absolutely fantastic people. I can't say I ever met a single person there, who didn't make me feel good at some point.
Most of them were at least a year older than me, from doing a starter college course first. Some even older, because they wanted to go back to college, or missed it the first time around, and felt like giving it another go. But all of them so damn friendly! The first real person to make me feel at ease there, was a handsome man, much like myself. Similar tastes and thought patterns. Made my entire first year pretty easy, to the point I felt like I was really doing well again. I managed to concentrate on a lot of good work. Wrote some good songs. Played some pretty terrible songs... but with good people.
Outside of college. More relationship troubling stuff. Begins to really distract me from me. Relationship crap could really be a conversation in its own. It's stuff I hate talking about, because I know how much people hate it. You always tell me often enough. But at this point is when relationships really just because one distraction after another. To the point of even my most recent one. I feel a great weight has been pushed off me with that stuff now. I have the opportunity to focus.
Second year. Another friend gone. Disappears off the map. Again, for own reasons. Still get to chat and hang out every now and then. See him play with his band often, and have a chat and a drink.
Start hanging with a usual choice of 2 people. One more than the other. Down to more similar tastes once again. Though this time, not as close. It's someone friendly and intelligent to talk with on my breaks. Here's where it really becomes more of a distraction, too. I start really doing all i can to put off all the work. I get more and more work piled upon me. Get a feeling that it's just too much. But keep pushing just enough to stay under the radar.
Start applying for universities. Never really wanted to go. Always felt that a degree in music would never get me anywhere that experience couldn't. But did it anyway. Tried selecting some difference courses. Maybe I'll learn something new that I'll enjoy more than this year.
Close to the end, and I just feel at one of my lowest points. Another relationship down the gutter. Ever more lower in coursework. Starting to get refusals from universities.
At this point, I've just wondered how much lower it could even get. I send a message to my main college tutor at the time. A lengthy e-mail explaining how much I just feel my year has not gone as well as I wish it had. Asking for some advice on how to push over and do the second year over again. I know a few people in that year, so I'd not be alone with it.
Not even a reply.
I get a single acceptance for university. For my last choice course. A course I only chose, because why not apply to the maximum amount? I didn't even refuse at that point. I just left the letters in a pile of trash.
I figure now, well, why not just have a look at some job stuff? That'll do me over for a while. I apply to anywhere and everywhere for months. Nothing.
Perhaps there's just nothing going at the moment. I instead look at some stuff I'd enjoy doing. Local bands needs bassists. Hop trough a few over the next year. and 2 years... and 3. Though in that second year, I did join a band for almost a year. Absolutely brilliant time I had with those guys. Good music, Good fellas.
End up finding a job. Holy shit, yes! Finally! and another fantastic relationship. What is this? My life feeling like it's worth a shit again?
Band feels like my effort is now lacking, and my attitude becoming too much. My say it how it is never does do me any good eh? Can't have everything go well forever.
But hey, I have a job, I'm getting paid. and hey, have a beautiful girl to share my time with.
Lose job, because they felt I was too young for the part... I was cleaning fucking office desks. A fucking monkey with downs could do this shit...
But hey, I still have this wonderful person to share my time with, as I search for something else once again.
Lasts a good while too. One of the longest amount of time I've stayed with someone. Stay pretty happy til right up in the end. Shit really falls apart. Some of you were a part of that. Some of you really helped me out at that point even. With great support. For such a horrible time, I felt really loved. Some of you I'd not even been too close with, but you'd brought yourselves closer at that point. I needed you, and you were there.
But now we're here. I've got none of that stuff I did have, I'm back where I was.
I do still have my music. Though I still don't feel I put that effort in. Same as at the end of college there. Same as at the end of high school. All effort seems to have gone. At least on the outside. I've been called lazy more than I can count. Lazy. Unwilling to work. Unwilling...I have never fucking willed anything fucking more than I will the shit I do right now. For my entire fucking existence to just be peaceful. I don't give a shit if it has meaning or not. But I just want things to go on, until I fucking drop dead. That is the point I am at. I put every bit of my effort to just have my life be less like this. But I can't. Not because of fucking laziness, but BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW FUCKING HOW. "Nobody gave anyone a manual on how to live"... But it sure seems fucking easy for you, doesn't it. I see you all out there, going about with your jobs, your education, the people you love. and you fucking complain about every fucking bit of it. Piss the fuck right off.and you've done it using all the same things I've done. Exactly the same. I try to live by your rules, and it gets me the opposite result.At this point, I really do feel like I'm just waiting for death. Well... Homelessness, and then a very cold, lonely death.I'm not sure if suicide is for the idiot, who has not seen what life has to offer, or for the genius, who has seen it offers fuck all.Either way, it's not the kind of death I wish for. No matter how bad things could ever get.I'd hope it never gets to that point.This has been a broadcast from me... and I expect nothing from it. I don't want your terrible advice, as I've heard it all before. What I would like, is some real, genuine help. From people who can make even that bit of difference in my life. I just want to actually feel like I'm living, and not waiting for death.I'm not sorry for wasting your time. You chose to read this shit.
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