I wish to go back a little again. To before my friend left the place. To a girl.
Not just any, of course. I'm sure some will see this coming... But the first girl. The first romance. The first person I ever felt a romantic love for. I say romantic love, to differentiate from the love I have for some people. Even though, I see love as a single thing. There is only one love. But for the sake of this...
She was the first. I was 13 at this point. So everything that comes next is just as mushy and gushy as you might think. So I'm going to try not dive too deep into that.
I'll start from the end. Shit ended. Badly. To the point that, we stopped even talk years ago. Before that, she was a close friend for years. I would see here now and then. Just hang out, cuddle up on the sofa, and watch crappy films. Before that, we were together. Basically doing the exact same thing. Our relationship never really changed in all that time. Only the real "relationship" side of it all, only actually lasted 3 months, and 2 days... What did I say about those numbers in my head?
Felt like forever at that age though. and losing that really hurt. A physical pain. I can remember that pain as well as I remember those numbers... and I've never felt that pain since. There have been other shitty breakups since. Plenty of them. Perhaps I'll bore you with them too. Why not? I seem to be writing a life story anyways...
But still, none had that.
Knowing how all relationships since have gone on and how they've ended. I'm surprised that we even managed such a close friendship for so long after.
Back to school though. I've already lost track of where I really am. My memory seems to be like an 80 year old with alzheimer's... I think were just coming up to GCSE years?
So I've chosen to do music. Of course. and another choice was a BTEC in Media. A pretty vague title, but ended up being my favourite point of education.
Plus it got me out of doing that terrible lesson called religious studies.
I got some other stuff added to my courses, that I didn't choose, too. One started off as business studies. Which I enjoyed. But a third through the first year, it gets switched to the class of spreadsheets, or perhaps you know it more as the lesson to give you skills for the last job on earth any sane human would ever want. Or simply, Information Technology. The lesson that gives people who actually know how to use a computer a brain hemorrhage.
Needless to say, that was one of the lessons that really began a noticeable difference in me.
I was also given double science. Nothing really changed from the years before, that I remember. It was another lesson I still breezed through. Even now, I have a great love for science. Though the memory and less numbers able to fit in my head becomes a burden for the real calculation stuff.
This is the point when a lot of my care of anything seems to disappear. But I'm gonna flashback once again. I only do this because I remember important shit that I should have already brough up, but have no idea where I could just slide it in. So I just cut this seam right here, and you don't even notice I've gone off-topic.
So back to before the best mate, before the first love, and really, right at the beginning of school. First year, I think. Possibly second. I get into a lot of shit these years. Lots of fights with people. Lots of getting kicked out of school for a few days or a week or so.
One of these is pretty big for whatever reason. Though I can't remember the specific event that caused it. and I get kicked out for closer to 2 weeks. Mother is pissed off at this. "Can't keep you at home alone all that time, I've got work and stuff" or something to that effect. "I'm gonna send you to your dad's, and let him sort you out."
Well, my dad. Remember the only family member I love? Well here you go. This guy who pretty much started off my entire interest in music, in fact. A brilliant musician himself. Also an early adopter of computers, and doing such nerdy things with them.
Seems my mother and sister hate him. For whatever reasons. I still believe my sister was fed lies by my mother, because she doesn't really remember my dad all that much. Even myself, having such a huge chunk of nothing in memory. I've always known my dad to be a great man. From my earliest memories, to my most recent memories of him... Which were then. In this early perios of high school. Being sent to him. He was pretty strict about it all. He always was about serious matters like those. Even though one of my earliest memories of that kinda thing, were him telling me off for something I'd not done. A sad and frustrating time for any child when they aren't believed, just because they are young. But that kind of thing followed me all through my life, and still happens now. Only now, instead of getting a slap on the wrist, I go and get arrested. Yeah... But even through his strict ways, I knew he loved me. He always made sure to show it. Mother, sure, shes said it a hundred bazillion times. How many times have I believed it? maybe when I was as young and impressionable as my sister was, when she was fed lies about this great man.
The last time I saw him, was within a punishment. Well, you got me, life. First, you take my father, then you take my love, then you take my friendship. That alone. Those few years. I am sure they explain a whole lot to any brain doctor. But you don't need a PhD to see the fucking effects.
Just a short addition on my mother and that first love. When The whole inevitable breakup and literal heartache came by, I asked my mother for some help. Advice, or something. I was actually so scared of just asking her, that I wrote it down. I have no idea what made that easier, but it did. I gave the paper to her, and she read it. Her words were "that's silly. You could have just told me that. You'll get over it."
As true as it was. I could have just told her. Silly fucking me. I did get "over" it in a way. Eventually. But what was lost, still leaves a fucking void. You know, I have my own coldness. My own straightforward and logical, robotic answers. I feel this is why. You can't share shit with those who are meant to be closest to you? This same point is when I felt "I never asked for this. I never asked to be born. Especially within this."
I am so far off-track, that this is a jumbled mess of a timeline here. We seem to only be half way through. But I expect i'll get the other half of this written in half the length. Because I tend to rush endings. Sometimes just even completely ignoring them. I can start anything off easily. But finishing something takes a whole lot more effort.
I feel like I should bring so many individual people up, but there have been so many, and they have all come in and out of my life so easily. As much as most of you mean to me, I've come to expect that a lot of you will be gone tomorrow. I have a single person I truly rely on to be by my side until one of us dies or something.
A few people, I hope to be at that point with. You are the ones I love, and have felt closest to. I wish for you to always be around. The rest... I wish I could care about you even that much. You make a difference in my life for the better. I enjoy having you around. But any single one of you leaving, would only be replaced by someone I equally don't know. It's as a mass, that you people make just small differences. As much as a friendly chat. Even lasting only 10 minutes... You've helped. =]
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