Forced by my own hands to write this shit...
... and I don't expect any of you to give a shit.
If you've read this far, and are already quitting with the rest, feel free to leave. I mean really leave. Fuck right off, and never look back.
Shit is about to get as deep as a wall of swearing can get.
So, it's stupid o clock in the morning. As fucking always. How often do I ever find myself at a reasonable time?
This shit that I'm about to tell you... It comes from a few days of hard thinking, and fucking years of doing fuck all about it.
A good friend of mine; a friend I've known for years, but never really known as close as I'd wished... He did something similar to this. Only more polite and with fanciful words. He's been going through a lot of similar shit and had to get all that shit out there. To get it off his chest, I suppose. This is not quite what I'm doing. This shit will never be off my chest, until it just fucks off... I'm just going to be saying it all, because I believe some of you need to know.
Now, I say some of you, because not all of you really know me. At all. Most of you don't. I'll be surprised if some of you don't forget I even exist half the time. I also don't really know a lot of you. Not as well as I would wish to. But there are truly only a handful of you I could not care about. Literally, I could probably count you on my fingers on one hand. On the opposite side, There are also only a handful of people I can really say I love. Truly and deeply. Would take a bullet for them. You know... in the leg or something... [they know I don't actually mean it that lightly, I just feel like I have to joke about everything...]
There used to be a time, where I could tell you the middle names and birthdays of every one of my friends. Some of people I just knew at the side. Numbers would just form and make sense in my head. It was quite a strange feeling, really. It also helped me out a lot very early on in life. Primary school was pretty piss easy. What I remember of it. I was actually quite a cunt at the time too, it seems. I know people who seem to remember me bullying them, personally. Something that really terrifies me. Not only because I don't remember it, which we'll get onto in a bit... But that I could do that to people I would today, and do, call friends.
Now, I'll bring up my memory. Because that alone is scary enough. You know, not remembering something like that. The feeling that it was such an unimportant part of my life, perhaps? Yet I could have [and might have] ruined peoples' lives. Is that what all this is, now? All my own shit is just some karma fucking around with me now? Not that my logical mind could ever comprehend such an illogical concept. But I really hope that whatever this is, that it really is because I did something to deserve it.
That isn't all I don't remember. I have huge chunks, missing from my life. I mean, huge. Between the ages of 7 and 11, I have a single, vague memory. I'm pretty sure even that memory was implanted. It is of me getting my piercing. Yes, I have a piercing! Some people are actually shocked when they notice, but my left ear lobe is and has been pierced, since I was 8 years old. The only reason I know I was 8 years old, is because it was my sister's 7th birthday. That is it. Absolutely every single other moment in those years... What the fuck happened? What the absolute fuck? How the fuck do 4 years of someones life just fuck right off? What kind of messed up fucking shit could happen, for 4 years to be removed?
I'll talk a little of my sister. She has me on this here facebook, and may wander in and start reading this shit. If so, hi, you managed to get this far... Probably not surprised by any of it yet. You probably know more about some of this stuff than me so far.
I know that my own sister is someone I was very hard on when younger. Some people say "well yeah, all siblings are like that, just leave them to it, they grow out of it"... Well why the fuck is that so? Why do we have to grow up that way? You think we really fucking enjoy it? We're not fighting for the fun of it, we're fighting to literally kill each other. We're fucking children, we don't know any fucking better.
Now, of course, we really have grown out of it. Though I expect only out of coincidence. We actually talk to each other like civil human beings. Even if we do often do it with great sarcastic humour. We have managed some pretty close conversation at times. I feel that even though we are both very different people, I hope my sister is around always. Not literally. But she's a part of the family I enjoy.
I can't say the same for my mother. She seems to be someone who lives for herself. Which is something that doesn't bother me in general. For the most part, it keeps her away from me. As much as I don't really love any of my family, but one... I really do not love this woman.
"But she gave birth to you, raised you" - Shut the fuck up, and leave right the fuck now. You are the exact kinda cunt who could never add anything to my life.
Those others of you... here's why.
I never fucking asked to be born. It wasn't a choice I was given. Great that I'm alive though, right? Because life is fantastic... That's why I'm here... Writing this...
and she may have raised me for a good while. When I was incapable of doing anything. She taught me to read and basic writing. Not that either really benefit me. I eventually went on to pretty much fail my English GCSEs. I managed to get lower grades in that, than some of the most stupid people I've ever met. Wow. I can see why, though. Look at this mess...
"but she let's you live in her house, for free, and eat all her food, for just as much" - Indeed. You are correct. Not only lets... But often, actually encourages it.
"You know no matter what, I'm your mother and I love you and I'malways here for you"... Yeah, and look where that got me. You know that same sister I use to beat the crap out of as children? She now thinks of me as a bum. Someone who will just always mooch from others, never get anywhere in life... I used to laugh at that... Now? All that time, she was probably on to something. Though this goes much deeper...
... I'm not the lazy fucking cunt everyone sees me to be. As I mentioned, primary school flew by for me. Due to not remembering half of it, but what I did remember, being just so easy. Not challenging at all. Come high school. The beginning of it. Same shit. Piss easy. Seems like I'm doing the same shit I was doing only 6 weeks ago. But at the beginning there, I met one guy that would really come to be a beam of light in what was to become the real shit.
This guy... Now the guy I call my best friend. The guy who wishes for me to be best man at his wedding. Not that I'm one for weddings. But the feeling of honour that something like that brings... Now this is one guy I love. The guy I love most of any single human in the world. A guy that, if I were gay, I would be damn jealous of that lovely lady of his! I have no idea how he does it. But he's always the same awesome guy, everytime I see him.
But only a few years in... This guy gets taken out from a big chunk of my day. Being at school with each other all the time, just gliding through everything as always. Then he's suddenly going to some other place. We're still awesome friends, we'll still hang when possible. But we no longer have that great daily chunk of chilling through life. It didn't really hit me at first. But certainly thing about it did hit rather hard. But the real difference only made a slow appearance. I still hung out with some cool people. Later on in the next year, I really got into music. Another big part of my life now...
I'd hang about with a group of people throughout the rest of my time in highschool. Some people who were intelligent, and enjoyed music. We had so much incommon with each other, but also such great differences. We bounced off and added to each other, I felt. We'd pretty much always skip any breaks for food, and instead, just hang about the music room. Have a mess around with some guitars, drums, steel pans. All of us even joined the steel pan group, and played arounf the country with that stuff. Absolutely brilliant. My most amazing experience on stage was with those guys. A moment that I've never even come close to in other bands. I've enjoyed playing with many bands, of course. But that steel pan stuff was fantastic.
In this time, one of these friends in this group. Very early on. Before the group really formed. She taught me to play bass. That is probably THE defining moment of my life. That was the first and last moment that anything really made sense. It was a moment when I felt "THIS IS WHAT I WANT!"... to today, where I'm just as confused as I ever was before.
[Insert witty comment here]
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