Problems are similar with Herman except that we don't fight about whether or not he responds. He admits it and uses the cliche, "that's just how guys are" He says he doesn't know what to say.
From my perspective I think Herman seems to prefer not to think about things that bother him at all. I get a lot of "I don't knows" here too but also a lot of jokes trying to make me feel better which make me feel like I'm not being taken seriously and I tend to just let things go. We get along so well, and almost never fight and share similar beliefs on almost everything. The relationship is just very easy for us right up to the part where I want to talk about feelings. I remember when we first got together I used to ask him what he was thinking and he would say ďnothing.Ē This is a foreign concept to me and for some time I thought he was just avoiding answering me. I canít remember a time I had nothing on my mind unless maybe I was really entranced by music. Eventually I came to trust that sometimes he really isnít thinking about anything. I think feelings can be the same way. If I donít ask how he feels about something very specifically, it may be possible he hasnít thought about how he feels about it. He is very even tempered and I think he doesnít let many things affect him. For the most part I am ok with that even if it is a little frustrating and hard for me to understand. The problem is that I feel like I have to worry if things are ok for both of us. To have a conversation about how he feels is more difficult than just asking if everything is ok? is there anything bothering you? Itís hard to recall a time he has ever complained about anything I do, and Iím terrible. Itís easy for me to think he should be responsible for looking out for his own feelings and if he has a problem he should be responsible for telling me but I just canít trust that. Heís just so unselfish. He eats the burned pieces of everything and says he likes burnt taste. Does he really or does he just want to leave the good pieces for me? I don't have any reason not to trust him. He doesn't lie, he's never blown up about something he'd been keeping inside. It's just hard because he's just kind of... odd. Who likes burnt things? Of course I don't really blame him for our lack of communication. I blame myself. I still feel very guilty. Pretty much the only thing I have ever done that has really bothered him is cheating. I feel terrible that I didn't know I wanted to be polyamorous before and didn't talk to him before hand. I feel terrible he didn't have a choice. I know I have done everything wrong but I can't change that, I can only go forward. I don't want it to be the situation where he has to accept this or lose me but it is that way. I feel like there must be something I can do going forward. He says its my world and he's just living in it. It's a long standing joke but its true. I want him to be happy. If my polyamory made him miserable I'd want him to leave. If there is some middle ground I'd like to find it. If there are specific things that bother him I want to work on finding a solution. He just doesn't say anything is wrong. Even when the blow up happened, he was surprised and upset and he felt stupid but does it bother him now that we just kept going forward? I don't know. Does anything about it bother him? He said he wanted our relationship to be special. I said I think our relationship is special but I certainly didn't think sex was what made us special. What does special mean to him? How can I make sure I'm making him feel that way? What makes him feel bad or uncomfortable or jealous and can I minimize it? I know it should be as easy as asking him for the answers but it doesn't seem that easy to me.
I wrote him an email when I first started reading this board asking how he felt about me posting here and that I didn't want him to think I was trying to find new people in secret because it's not really that kind of place. I then went on to talk about my trouble with communicating. I said I still felt guilty for hurting him and that is one of the reasons I avoid talking about it with him. I said I was afraid I'll upset him, afraid it's irritating or annoying to have these conversations. Afraid he won't understand my feelings. Afraid when I start talking he will fear I have some big problem when I just want to talk. Afraid he won't respond and I'll be vulnerable and not have gotten anything back from it.
No response at home or in email. A couple weeks later I mentioned it and he said "Oh yeah I was going to look at that site" that was the only time we discussed it. I said one of my fears was that he would not respond! I decided if he didn't have anything to say he must be fine with my posting and moved on. But I never did post because I don't want to be like that any more. I asked again recently and got no response again for a couple days. Then I started wondering if he DID have a problem, otherwise why not just say yeah it's fine? Why is this so hard? He finally brought it up by asking if I had started this blog yet. I said I hadn't because I didn't know how he felt about it. He said he was sorry and he didn't want to tell me what I was allowed to do. I said I asking because it's his business as well and I want to be respectful of that. It was awkward. We talked about how I couldn't think of a title and things a bit for the next couple days but I don't think he ever actually answered how HE felt about it.
I know they both love me, I know they care about me but I feel so alone when they don't respond. Then I quit talking for awhile, secretly hoping someone will come to me. They don't. I have made it clear that lack of words from them leads me to fill in the blanks with either my interpretation of their actions or worse my wildest imagination. Eventually I feel badly enough again to try to communicate, cycle begins anew.
Lately I feel like the best thing to do is just give up trying to communicate and let things be whatever they will be. When I do this, things appear to be just fine. I feel like shit and I worry but maybe that's the part I should be trying to fix instead. I know the response is obviously that all three of these people need counselling. I know we should, I know we would benefit, I guess I just can't accept that we need to. I feel like I am close enough to these two that we shouldn't need another party just to help us talk to each other. It just shouldn't be that hard. I know I need to take that consideration more seriously.