sooo...i was feeling very sad and not feeling very safe that my feelings and insecurities would be respected by my boyfriend. my friend who was visiting me has been very anti poly since i first told her because she is looking out for me and doesn't want me to get hurt. but i had told her that "i am a grown-up, responsible for my own decisions. i am doing this and even if you don't really understand or approve i could really use your support as a friend". and since then her attitude towards the whole thing was much better, which was a relief. but now when this had happened, and she saw how upset i was, she really questioned if it was worth it for me. "i see you falling apart" she said. and i also felt a fear of being close to my boyfriend because i didn't know if i could trust him. he said that he wanted to keep me in his life and yet these actions pointed in another direction, i felt. also, we had problems before opening up the relationship and that made our relationship more vulnerable in this situation since the foundation was shaky. at that point i was so mad, sad and disappointed that i didn't even know if i wanted to see him again, at least for a while. we spoke on the phone and i told him how i felt, how upset i was. he was still apologizing but also said things like "well maybe if this is too hard on you then it won't work out". this felt unfair since i thought i had handled most of the situation really well, and of course this wasn't going to be an easy ride, of course there would be some upset feelings. also, if you want me to be able to handle it, please be careful. or don't you want me to handle it? are you looking for a way out? those were my thoughts.
the next day however i was thinking about what had happened and reading some article about poly and about not cutting someone off because of one mistake. since we are creating a relationship outside of the norm, of course there is going to be grey areas where someone gets upset, you have to learn as you go along. i also felt that i loved him and wanted to see him, so what would be the purpose of cutting him out of my life? so, we met and talked and "made up" i guess. i sad that whe can keep going but from now on i don't want to hear what happens between you and this other girl. i knew that they would probably end up having sex that week and that was ok but i did not want to get a "report" of it. lately it had felt like most of our time together had been spent talking about what THEY were doing and handling that and i just felt like that took too much energy from me at that time. of course later on i wanted to be able to hear him talk about things that were happening in his life with different people, friends or otherwise (and i also said that if anything happened with someone else than this girl i wanted to know) but for now i wanted our time together to be focused on just us. he agreed to this. he still did not mind if i told him when i saw someone, and part of me thought it was only fair that he should have to deal with some feelings as well if i became physical with someone.
so, in the following weeks, i myself had some fun! i had signed up on an online dating site (specifying that i was in an "open relationship", which was kind of a simplified way of saying it but let people know that i wasn't monogamous at least) and went on a couple of dates. my first date was with a really smart musical guy (why do i always fall for the creative redheads?) who i thought was really interesting. we went out again, for drinks this time and surprise surprise, ended up a bit drunk and back at his place. the sex wasn't exactly mind-blowing, at least not that time (it's generally better sober, no?) but it was fun. i would like to talk a bit about compersion here. even though i was dealing with jealousy in the beginning, i was actually surprised by how quickly i began to have thoughts like "well i love my boyfriend, i want him to have nice fun experiences. sex can be a nice fun experience, and i would wish that for him, even if it was with someone else". and after that first date i found myself thinking "well i certainly hope his sex with the other girl was better than this"! weird.
i told my boyfriend about what had happened and he was ok with it but definitely had a feeling of "wait, what? sex? that's something just you and me do!" at this point things between us felt good, i was experiencing some things myself and did not only have to think about what he was or wasn't doing.
i went out with another guy which led to some interesting conversation and a bit of awkward kissing. maybe i'll see him again, i don't know.
but! lo and behold, all of a sudden the guy from the first date ( i mean the very first date, the one where i didn't know if he was just being friendly or was into me. damn, i should really come up with some code names, shouldn't i?) sent me a message! we sent some messages back and forth, first just friendly but then he was more flirty. i ended up coming to see him and some friends of his at a bar. we just had a couple of beers, he was giving me "kind-of compliments", like i guess they were compliments but i was still not believing that he could be into me. generally i have this bad habit that if i am attracted to someone, i can't believe that they would be attracted to me. this was also i guy i had been attracted to for years and years so it felt unreal that anything would happen. but, he invited me over to his place and all of a sudden i was in someone elses bed again. what? and this time, the sex was...mmm good! i was high-fiving myself the whole next day. "yes" you did it! finally!"
so again, i told my boyfriend and everything was ok. i also felt ok with asking if he had now had sex with that girl and got it confirmed. we were also able to talk a bit about where he thought things were going with her and what he thought she might be feeling. it felt really good to be able to have that conversation in a relaxed way. i was saying that i think i might like to meet her, to just say hi, also to show her that i was ok with them seeing each other. i had met her once or twice before but that was when they were just friends, a while back. i got a good impression from her then by the way, she was very friendly. but my boyfriend was very hesitant, he felt nervous about having us in the same room, didn't know how he would react. i had to respect that but i was still a bit disappointed.
but, sometimes things just happen, and i was to meet her by accident not soon after... (another clifhanger ending...sorry for being a drama queen