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Old 03-22-2013, 03:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fuchka View Post
Last night I asked Ocean if it would be easier to decide to have a non-sexual relationship for now.

He said "do you want that?"

I said, "for me, no. But if that's what you want then it could make it easier for me if we had a decision like that. I don't mean forever, just for now, until further notice."

He replied "no, I don't think that's a good idea. It's not what I want."
At that point, I would have been tempted to say, "Well, then fuck me, dammit! I want you!" and get on top of him. It's so difficult to be in that place and let it be. But I think you have to take steps to initiate it more, even if there is rejection. Keep trying and letting him know it isn't acceptable to you.

A "rut" is something you have to climb out of, not sit and wait for it to change on its own. My husband and I were in that no-sex rut for over three years (!), and then he left me and blamed it all on me, saying I didn't want to have sex with him. But I did! I would lay there next to him and cry in silence because I had come to bed hoping it would happen and he would already be asleep. Every now and then, I would say "We should have sex," but I still waited for him to initiate because he was the one who was rejecting it -- but it never happened.

So do something about it. Don't hang onto hope and just wait like I did.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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