Hello. Want to share (mono->poly)
Hi, I'm Dave. I came across this board on a recommendation from a non-related message board. She was really helpful with a lot of information. All the names and classifications are new to me, but everything has really fit into place. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or commiseration, but I find it always helps me to put things into words.
So, my wife (U) and I have been happily married for 16 years and living together a few before that. We really haven't had ups and downs. We communicate very well. I'm very open with my feelings, and typically I can get her to tell me hers. I love her deeply, unconditionally, and more in the last 4-5 months than I can remember.
TL/DR version is in the last paragraph if you want to skip ahead.
That being said, we did have a mini-crisis many years ago. Her sex drive is no where near what mine is. While I did not cheat on her in person, I did online by ommission. I suspected it wouldn't bother her, but I didn't actually ask until after. At the time, I gave her the option of more sex, seeing a counselor, or letting me play online. She chose option 3.
This has gone on for about 10 years. And over that time I've discovered it's really attention that I need, not the sex, though sex is a good way to get the attention. Her need in that isn't as great as mine either. This came to a head two summers ago. She went on a two week trip to visit her mother and sister, and I stayed home. During that time her communication with me was brief to non-existent. I was really hurt and decided we had to see a counselor. The good news is that the counselor pronounced us a happy couple, but has been working with my wife to help her find ways to express herself.
Also during that time I met an incredible woman online (T). She's not within any kind of driving distance, and we are both tied professionally and personally to our locations, with no interest in changing them. Within 6 months I knew I was falling for her. She's definitely poly and has at least 5 loves, though she's only open about it with me as far as I know. It is an online community, and we went "public" with us about six months ago. Since then we have gotten even closer. Explored a lot of virtual fantasy. We've been on cam. Exchanged sexual pictures, etc. My wife is completely aware of all of it and doesn't seem the least bit threatened. While she's good at not sharing her feelings, she's not good at hiding them, so I'm 100% sure she's comfortable with the current situation.
Sounds great right? Of course not, or I wouldn't be here. This summer I will be in her town and with the wife's consent T and I will be having dinner. The complication is that I want to be real life physically intimate with her and the wife says no.
This bothers me on a couple levels:
1) My wife and I have had a long standing policy of not forbidding the other anything. We can voice displeasure. We can say how much it would hurt us. Etc. But we have always had an incredible communication and respect for each other.
2) I'm scared it's going to hurt my relationship with T. The possibility of a physical relationship, even if it was remote, even if it was rare, was always a goal. Relationships that don't grow stagnate and die.
I would like to add a single already known real life sex partner to my current marriage. I feel justified since there's been plenty of already approved intimacy, and wife's objection is "because I say no." I am not willing to risk my marriage for a night of sex, so she knows she doesn't really have to accomodate me. Am I justified? Is it ok to persuade her? When does it cross from a reasonable request to unreasonable coersion? Am I not justified since I signed up for monogamy in the first place?
Anyway, thank you for listening, and thank you for the community. I can already see there's a lot of support here.