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Old 01-09-2010, 03:40 AM
purpledreamer purpledreamer is offline
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 10
Default thanks for advice

Thanks for the advice Grounded spirit.
You're right, its not a good situation.

I agree that everyone is getting hurt.

Following his request that he and I don't have sex (or do anything physical that may challenge her) for a period of time, which he says is for him to maintain his peace, I decided that I will not be romantically involved with him.

I didn't feel right waiting around any longer for what I can and can't do, depending on where there relationship is at at any particular moment.

He doesn't seem to really understand what my aversion to this is about, and I believe he thinks it is me being reactive. While there is an element of this, its more an issue of my own integrity. If I compromise my integrity again (having previously agreed to a period of no-sex as requested by her) by complying with a request that I believe would not be in line with with us all being open, honest, and acting with integrity, then I wonder where I draw the line in the future. I also don't see that the request is actually going to SOLVE anything. I therefore see it as a pointless exercise, that just seeks to restrict relating.. I entered into my relationship with him with the understanding that we were going to try and relate WITHOUT restrictions.

I love him a lot, and have decided to give it a few more weeks of being 'just friends' with him, while I await some type of outcome/decision/break up from him and his live in partner.
If this occurs, then I will be open to continue dating him again, however if they can't manage this, then I will have to accept that there is no future for us in this way.

However, I fear that they will just come to another 'temporary outcome', where she says she is willing to accept things, and then another month down the track all the dramas will all start again.

He says that when she gets really 'clear' she realises everything is ok and she is fine with his other relationships, however this seems to be more of a fleeting moment, surrounding by days/weeks or saying its NOT OKAY.

I think he needs to respect what she is saying that she is not happy for him to be seeing other people. But I can see that he doesn't want to accept it. (For the obvious reason that he wants to still be in a relationship with her, as well as me, and his other G/F)

I think that HE needs to make the decision to either remain with her, and have a monogomous relationship, or break up with her, and continue to have polyamorous relationships with me and his other SO.

I don't want to have it be an ultimatum: her or me.
But I think it has come to this.
I can't be with him, if he is in a relationship where one partner is feeling hurt everytime he sees me.
I feel I have some kind of moral responsbility also to not do this.
Or is the responsibility really HIS?

I guess I ALWAYS have the responsbility to myself to do what I feel is right..

hmm.. any advice/reassurance welcome.

I guess I'll just have to see what the next few weeks bring...
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