Why do I feel like a fraud?
The more Iíve read here the more I feel like Iíve been reading it as fantasy and I canít post because I feel like a fraud. Like we donít really count. Jasper tells me I'm not a fraud I'm just a novice. I didn't understand that at first. For one thing I've been in two relationships for years now. Secondly I'm not intentionally planning on moving up to any more advanced levels of poly. Maybe thats what he meant, not "new" just "novice level". So I don't feel like we're "real poly" because it's just one Vee, he's long distance, it's pretty easy to manage. I'm skiing, but it's just the bunny hill. I know that isnít where my feelings are at but I appreciated the new perspective as I had not really thought of the "novice" aspect affecting my feelings.
However the above reveals how the participants in my relationship tend to avoid the ugly truth. I believe my feelings of illegitimacy center around a few other issues I want to detail separately.
I was a cheater Ė Guilt
We are terrible communicators Ė Envious of the communication I read about
Iím believe Iím the only one who wants this Ė Worry
We have no plan - Fear
Weíre not exactly out Ė Shame
Maybe polyamory isn't the right word. Maybe we aren't there yet. Maybe we never will be. Does it matter if we are or are not? To me it does because the alternative is that I'm just a horrible person and I don't know which it is. It would be hard to argue this isn't all about me getting what I want. It would be hard to argue this blog isn't just me dragging things up so I can feel better rather than actually fixing anything. I thought I was doing this because I was having trouble expressing myself. Now I'm afraid maybe I have been and it just doesn't matter. Bad dreams have me down today.
Planning on sending this to them before I go on.