Thank-you all for responses! I do need to be able to check in here, to make sure that I have a handle on where my own feelings come from, and you are my "grounding". =)
He (L) got home yesterday afternoon, after being gone plowing, and resting at her place, for 36 hours. We had a little bit of conversation, but he was too exhausted, so I let it lie for the time being. We also discussed how the stress of the crap my ex is putting me through, being back in court, is worming its way into our relations. We spent some snuggle time, made love, and then in the after-snuggle I asked "we're OK?", not meaning to address any one specific thing, and more toward the checking in that the stress was not present, and I could feel his energy shift, he shut down some, and got slightly defensive, that he had "already told" me, and "already apologized" for something, etc. Totally threw me off balance, again, lol. He fell asleep, I spent some time sitting with it (smoked my Prayer Pipe, as my Spiritual Path is along the Red Road- Native American spirituality), and got some guidance.
I realized that there were some things about our Union that I had been in need of addressing for months, before he brought her into it. I totally own that, and now it seems to be something that must be a totally different focus of discussion, because the whole foundation has shifted some. I am OK with that, because it will be addressed, it is clear to me how important all of that was from the beginning.
We actually got some time to talk this morning (before I got a chance to check here, lol). I did tell him that not being completely forthcoming with what is going on is essentially a "lie by omission", and that if this is to work there can be no "secret" life. WHile there is an expected level of "privacy" that one would want in each relationship (we don't need to be sharing bed-stories, lol), the keeping their "dates" secret makes it no more than the "sanctioned affair". That is NOT what we went into this as, NOT what we were looking for, and had been up front with that. I completely understand that she is at a disadvantage, being in a "secondary" role (hate that term!), that does not mean that I want him telling me "I'm going to B's", and not tell me that they are going out dancing. There is a level of "need to know", when I am spending my time invested in being concerned for the well being of BOTH people. I would rather know that she is in the truck with him, so that I know he has company, and be "worried" about the safety of them together, than "worried" about him alone in the truck. I don't want to be getting a call in the middle of the night that they were both at a club that just burnt down, not even knowing that they were out. When there is that level of "separation" of the 2 relationships, it enhances my already existing concerns, because of the MS, of becoming the "shut-in", or the "invalid" they work together to assist.
Right from the beginning, L stated that this was to be an "enhancement" of our relationship, that there must be complete honesty. If B is not comfortable with that level of sharing, which we had already discussed somewhat (perhaps not defined well), then she needs to make that known, and make decisions on that. He's already pushed it far beyond where I think it would have been appropriate, by becoming lovers long before the foundations were clear. Too late to turn that back, lol. The level of connection, and the Spiritual work that L and I do together, can not remain intact with anything other than a complete triangle, not 2 arms of separate relationships. Whether or not B and I ever become "lovers" is not completely relevant to the idea of a triad, in our situation.
I also explained to him that the NRE in their relationship must NOT take away from our relationship. It cannot "steal" that energy. If he is going to start going out on dates with her (or both of us even, we went to the movies together on Mon), he needs to make sure that some of that is still there between US. Just because he's "here everyday" doesn't mean that work doesn't still needs to be done to keep this relationship healthy.
And, he needs to get used to the "checking in"! If he is going to get upset when I ask "we're OK?", then there is a problem somewhere. He should be aware that he will be getting that from BOTH of us along the way. Possibly daily, for a while, lol. He also should feel that it is his right/job to check in with us, as well. If this is ever to be what he(we) envisioned for a "team" (I would say triad, but there's been no movement for she and I to become intimate, not that I would be opposed to exploring that, lol), we ALL need to be on the same wave length.
I am still finding myself overwhelmingly concerned for B, and how this truly will effect her. She has had some major relationship traumas in her life recently, before this wonderful man "dragged her along" into this relationship. Her ex tried to kill her, her DD who lives with her has a BF that is abusive (and spends most of his time at her house), and most of the kids (18+) that spend time at her house have issues. I know that this situation doesn't exactly instill a sense of stability for someone in her "role". I am grateful that she and I have become close friends in many ways. I need to ensure that THAT relationship continues to grow. Yes, we all need to spend time with the 3 of us in conversation, I just keep getting the sense that she is not completely comfortable with it yet, and that may be her concern for my feelings (because we are alike in that way, lol).
It is such a slow process, that is moving far faster than it should have. I am praying daily that we don't have the whole train derail. Every perceived I just wish that our environment allowed us to be more open about all of this, anyway. There are too many risks if my ex found out, and dragged in to court about custody! We all went to the movies, and L sat in the middle, and I had expected (hoped, really) that he could hold both our hands. It would be the only place in public that it would be acceptable, as yet. But, he held mine for a moment, then went back to center, worried that he would offend one or the other of us.
Nancyfore, I do not think I would ever do this, if there weren't some sort of relationship, friendship, between myself and the "other woman", meeting and "approving of" her beforehand. In that case it would feel like she is the "other woman", and without a connection, there is a sense of that being a "sanctioned affair". At least that is how it is for me. We had agreed quite clearly from long before we ever got to this point, that it would be a requirement. Even tho L took it further than he should have before I had a chance to forge that friendship, at all worked out in that way, so far. Being "energy sensitive", it would be impossible for the energy of one relationship to not spill into the other.
It was a GOOD conversation, and an agreement that the *3* of us need to sit down, SOON, and talk about all of these things. Also not fair to L to be the "monkey in the middle", with 2 conversations going on, and him trying to relate each to the other. He isn't always good at the translation of the words, and sometimes mis-reads things (like last night, lol).
Thanks, again, all!