hello again...the story continues. so myboyfriend and i were talking about opening up our relationship, but i wanted to make sure that i could keep up emotionally with what was going on, that it was a progress i was comfortable with. at first i said that i wanted to keep talking but that as a first step maybe we could start by allowing ourselves to really feel attraction to others, to see how that felt. however, after just a few days my boyfriend brought up the subject again saying that he found it difficult to know where to draw the line really.
i wanted to accommodate him and thought that i would be ok with kissing, so i said "ok but IF a situation were to occur where kissing would be an option, it would be ok to kiss but not anything more than that ok? so that we could discuss how that felt before we moved on". he said fine and i think that it was also at this time that he told me that there was a girl at his work that he was attracted to. i took this news much better than i had anticipated. after all, my biggest fear was that he would want to be with a girl who was also a musician and here he was, expressing wanting to do just that! but i felt ok with it, since i had done so much thinking before and knew that that did not have to change what we had and also that i had reached a much better understanding of the fact that his thoughts and feelings do not define who i am. i think he was a bit hesitant and did not know if or how he wanted to pursue anything with her since she was several years younger and also, he felt that flirting in the workplace is generally not a good idea.
now i started to feel that i needed to "catch up". for me, even admitting to myself that i was attracted to someone else was kind of difficult. i don't know now if i maybe should have taken things more in my own pace and not followed his pace (since he was so much more open to these thoughts already) but maybe it was necessary after all, to give me a better perspective of what he was experiencing. so what happened was that i contacted a guy i have known a few years, although not well, we just have many mutual friends. i've always had a thing for him so i thought "hey i've got nothing to lose (hopefully?) so i may as well ask him out on a date. he said yes but we had not agreed on a day yet. i told my boyfriend who was ok with it.
the next day we met and he told me that since i had planned a date he had spoken to the girl at work and they were to have lunch the next day. my reaction was "oookeeey, moving a bit fast are we?" actually he did not move much faster than i did at that time, i just felt that since he was more "there" in his thoughts than i was it felt faster when he did it. like he would have much clearer intentions. also, he was not just going to lunch with her, he was to tell her he had a romantic interest in her and about our open relationship. intense! since i had not yet set a date with the other guy, my boyfriend ended up seeing this girl before i had a date. so he told her and she was apparently surprised and had not heard of poly or anything like it before. she had some complicated relationships behind her and did not seem to be interested in starting anything new. this is what my boyfriend said. i was convinced that this would make her notice him in a whole new way and that it would not be long before they hooked up. my boyfriend was sceptical but i got the last laugh...only the laughter was mixed with crying at that point...
well, so...a couple of days later i went on my first date. we had a really nice time, i was attracted to him but there was a casual feeling, like we could just be two friends out having a coffee. he is a really friendly guy so i have a hard time reading his signals. afterwards i sent him a message to clarify. since we are facebook friends he could see that i was listed as "in a relationship" so i explained the situation and said that i was interested in getting to know him better but did not have any expectations beyond that. i didn't really know what expectations i had. i was still coming to terms with fear and wondering "is this ok? going on a date with someone else?". i then came down with a massive cold so i was at home in bed for a few days.
when the weekend came along i spoke to my boyfriend who said that they were having a party at his work to celebrate the opening of their latest show. i just KNEW that she would be there and that they would hook up. it was the perfect setting for it. i just hoped that he would respect our agreement and that it would not go further than kissing. remember, this is still the same week where he went out to lunch with her which i only knew the day before. it was a pretty intense week! so, the day after he phoned me and said that he had something to "report". obviously, the had kissed. no surprises. i felt ok with it but i was so exhausted from having a cold for several days and this was a lot to process. he came over and we talked about it and i said that "this is all going very fast. at this rate it feels like you could have sex tomorrow or something. i'm feeling like i can't keep up. can you wait to have sex with her for two weeks?" he said ok but did not seem to happy with it and also said that he was afraid that it would affect his feelings if he felt limited. i thought a little about it and said, ok one week (this was on a sunday). he agreed to that as well but still added a comment about wondering how he would react to feeling limited. i was feeling a bit worried, wondering why he would even need to make that comment instead of just saying "of course! i want to make sure you are ok".
the next day i was really exhausted and crying all the time. it wasn't that i felt "i don't want to try poly", i was just..so TIRED. my head and my heart had gone through the blender in the past weeks thinking about all these new ideas and what they might mean to me, to us. i felt like i was running as fast as i could, you know to the point where you can taste blood in your mouth. and like i was working so hard to push myself to another limit because i really wanted to get there, but once i got there and said "ok, i've made it" he just sped right up to that point like it was nothing and said "ok great when can we keep going?" true or not, that was what i was feeling. i had a realization that even if i said "give me one week" i could never guarantee that i would be ok with this. and i did not want to take responsibility for his actions. i did not want to feel like it was up to me of we were to get through this or not or like i HAD to make it work. that gave me a sense of relief, but also a feeling of sadness. i thought "maybe it's best if i just let it all go...like a free fall, and then just wish us luck and hope that we land safely instead of a crash and burn. i told him all this, about how exhausted i was and that i couldn't promise that waiting one week would make me ok with it. that maybe it was better if he just did what he wanted to do and take the responsibility for what might happen because of it. he was very comforting and said that no of course he would wait a week. i sighed a sigh of relief that at least the following week i did not have to work through the fact of them having sex but just that they might meet again and make out. it felt really good to know that i could have some time to rest both my body and my mind.
but, the week did not turn out as restful as i had planned...