Further Adventures of a Damned Fool
I've been posting too much, these days. In my defense let me say that I've had a lot to process, as my mind seems to be in the process of rearranging itself, yet again.
At the moment, I'm thinking through the crush that came to such an abrupt end last night. I'm still mainly feeling relief and a sense of calm in the aftermath, though I feel a little abashed to have shown myself to be such a damned fool.
Really, I should have let go of this crush a long, long time ago.
As I conduct my post-mortem on the crush, I have made a couple of interesting observations.
First, my crush on her-for-whom-I-have-created-no-nickname began before Vix and I discussed polyamory. Really, the fact of my first stirrings of (professionally inappropriate) feelings for this particular individual informed those discussions.
Vix and I had each dealt with crushes over the preceding years, but we'd dealt with them alone, and mainly by smothering them.
This may have given the crush-just-ended a special significance in my mind: it was the first such crush on which I knew myself to have the possibility of doing anything without destroying my relationship with Vix.
At the same time, because it first arose before the conscious decision to be open, it was something of an old-style crush, a legacy crush, the crush a monogamous man might develop on an appealing single woman. It's the kind of crush that thrives on wishful - or, at least, wistful - thinking and on self-deception.
I note that I have not had a crush of that intensity since. When I am attracted to someone, I now find it much easier to confront that attraction squarely, to interrogate it for authenticity and for plausibility.
All the while I struggled with this particular crush, I suspected I was being a damned fool. My main motive for writing to her yesterday was to face up to that folly, even at the risk of being exposed as a fool. My hope was to bring an end to self-deception, one way or the other.
I hope I may be slightly less prone to such foolishness in the future, that I will be more aware of myself and more honest with others.