A quiet night at home. I needed it. Had a date scheduled with Plinth (hah, as soon as I typed his name, he rang me) but I bowed out of it, which he accepted graciously.
Feeling okay. Ish. I'm really jealous of Menrva at the moment. I'm jealous that Ocean makes so much time to spend with her, like, recently they've both been working from home (her home) quite often. The other morning, I tried to initiate some fooling around in bed in the morning with Ocean, and he said he didn't have time and/or wasn't in the mood and/or had to get going for work. Can't remember what combination of the usual responses. Then she rang, and asked him what he was up to, whether he was home alone. He said "no". Then she suggested he come round to her place, and that they go to uni together from there. Obviously to spend some time alone with him first. He said yes, and left soon afterwards.
This was the morning after a conversation I tried to have with him, the previous night, about if he could let me know when a good time was, for sex. Because it seems like it's never a good time. And he said, sleepily, "I don't like to plan these things." We said we'd talk about it later.
Argh. I'm not dealing with this well. As in, I don't have good strategies. I'm honest and speak up when things happen that hurt me, like the above, but maybe I'm not timing it right, or phrasing it right. I'm heard but nothing seems to change. Well. I'm even not sure what I want to change. I just don't want things to be this way.
In this climate, having good sex with other people frightens me a little. Ocean & I don't have regular sex these days. I don't want to get in the habit of enjoying fucking other people and having a largely non-sexual relationship with Ocean.
I keep questioning myself - what am I doing to make this worse? I don't really put myself out there so much, to him. I expect to be rejected. I am angry with him for being so passive about sex. I'm angry that he doesn't prioritise this issue.
He admits that he deprioritises this because he can, because he feels we're solid. And I can't deny that. Also, in a way, the fact we don't have sex keeps things simpler, gives us more time for other things. But I can't help questioning if this is wise, when this spare energy facilitates sexual relationships with other people, but not each other?
Occasionally I've asked him directly - do you think we'd have more sex with each other if we were monogamous? Rational as ever, he says: maybe. Ah, the guilt used to overwhelm me. But really? Not being monogamous has kept me sane, when my libido has soared at times when his has stalled. Yes, maybe things would have been different libido-wise if we were monogamous. I don't know, and we'll never know. We just have to battle on.
Making things better on this front is not easy. We don't really know how to fix us. When we confront this situation, he often states the fact that we've got into the habit of not being sexual with each other. That it's hard to break the cycle. This is true. But to me it doesn't mean we can't challenge this. It's the situation. Neither of us want it. I don't think it will go away by itself. He thinks relationships have cycles: we're in a slump for now, but probably things will be better in the future. I'm scared that if we don't make an effort, it'll get harder and harder to change our patterns of behaviour. He is sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. I am sorry he doesn't feel in the mood. We love each other, forgive each other, hug and kiss and sometimes - though too rarely - sweetly fuck.
Other times I'm mad, I hate him for making me feel un-sexy, ignore-able. I'm wildly, non-rationally, irate. I hate him for being too goddamn lazy to sacrifice anything, his morning news, his muesli, his new favourite book, for trying to get in the mood. For not seeing any point in cultivating a sexual mood, not having any hope that feeding the beast might make it grow. He's really quiet in sex, almost unresponsive, and this attitude makes it feel especially bad sometimes when I'm randy, coaxing him, and he says nothing. God, man, what are you feeling? Talk to me.
I'm painting a bleak picture. I'm sad today. I fucked up a date with Ocean yesterday. We went out for drinks and nibbles after a talk, and I drank too much (I'm a sucker for free booze). We were planning to go home together, and then midway I'm not sure what happened, but he ended up wanting to join Menrva, Bert and some others at a pub. I was in no state to spend time in group company. We parted ways, and then - heading home by myself - I felt upset that he'd chosen to spend time with Menrva (who he sees every. fucking. day. All day. At work. Frequently after/before work too) to spending time with (admittedly atrociously drunk) me.
Earlier in the evening, I had spoken with Ocean directly. That I was feeling jealous of Menrva, jealous that he had an easier sexual relationship with her than with me. He said, this was true, and put it down to the usual stuff (our bad habits etc). Said it would inevitably be easier with someone new, without that same baggage (ouch). I said I knew all that, but it hurt. He said thank you for sharing, said some reassuring things. Ah, man, I'm just bleargh at the moment. I don't know what to do.
Ocean and I have scheduled time tomorrow but I almost don't want to see him. I don't want to not have sex with him. And, actually, I don't want to have sex with him. It's like I'm over it. I'm over grappling with this issue. I'm over being satisfied with whatever he's feeling okay to give today. I'm over feeling greedy for asking for more.
Yikes, in a dark space right now.
I just don't know how to unpack this with Ocean, anymore.
Everything else in our relationship is so good. Perhaps I need to work on being at peace about this. Especially since, when I'm honest with myself, I'm actually okay with not being sexual with him right now (go figure?!). I don't feel powerfully drawn to him that way. It's more like, I miss it, miss the memory, miss how easy it was, and I'm afraid if I accept the status quo, we'll be less likely to have that kind of intimacy again. I feel like we've allowed our sexual energy to be so starved that we simply don't feel it anymore. I want it back. I'm willing to try to make fire with sticks. He isn't.
Ocean's approach is patience, hope. I know. But also an unconcernedness which I find at times callous. When other people are really into fucking me, the contrast with Ocean is more pronounced. He's happy for me, getting sex elsewhere, happy that I'm happy. And of course I'm enjoying myself. But, yeah, it makes me less patient with Ocean, even panicked.
He's at Menrva's at the moment, a dinner and movie date with her and Bert. I'm appreciating being home alone.
I wonder if we should agree to be non-sexual for now. It could relieve the pressure of constantly revisiting this. Or maybe we should get some counselling. Or maybe I should learn how to tie myself up effectively so he has to help me out. Quarter joking.
Really, I just don't want my sexual connections with other people to erode my relationship with Ocean. The blackest fear is that it's already too late for that.
Grotto's been especially beautiful in bed recently. The gentlest touch. A worshipful mouth. I love him so much. And I love the deep roots of my relationship with Ocean that makes these other relationships possible, lets them flourish.
Maybe we're doing okay.
This weekend, Ocean and I are heading away for a few days, to the city I'm moving to soon. There's a family event, plus I have a meeting with the person I'm replacing at my new work. Travelling together has always been healing for us. I'm looking forward to it.