The article has come up a couple times, but thank you for reposting. I often use it to reply to ads from obvious unicorn hunters.
Originally Posted by Razorbacktat
I think one of the hardest things to do in a poly relationship is to reprogram yourself to thing about others feelings first and yours second. It is human nature to think and protect yourself and your own needs first at the expense of the others in your poly family, but to be sucessful I beleive it is the absolute neccesity. If you are ever able to do so you get a great sence of peace.
Just poly relationships? That's hard to do in any
I'm inclined towards selfishness, but I do think of other people too. However, I do believe that everyone must look out for their own needs, because it's unfair to put that burden on someone else. The alternative is to allow your needs to be trampled on, and that's not healthy either.
It all comes down to communication. Protect your needs, and explain to your partners what you're doing and why. Allow them to communicate their own needs, and come to an agreement whereby all your needs can be met.
When I go out in the world, I go with the assumption that everyone is looking out for theirself. I rely on other people to communicate to me what their needs are and how I can help them meet them. In my marriage, that has been a huge learning process for both me and my husband. He struggles to make his needs known, especially when they conflict with my needs. I struggle to identify his needs without him expressing them. As he's started, bit by bit, to express his needs, he's learned that I will try to accommodate them if I can. That perpetuates a cycle where he feels more and more comfortable expressing his needs. Positive reinforcement.