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Old 03-20-2013, 11:59 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723
Default What is a heirarchy, really?

I haven't started a thread in a long time, but the this topic came up recently on the group I admin. on FB and I thought I would see where it went here.

Heirarchies; traditionally and according to the writings of many of the poly writers on line, its described as a married or long established couple where one or both are in relationships with secondaries that are disposable if their partner is in some way uncomfortable or asking that they be dumped. The secondary is considered "less than" in the relationship and the primary the one that had all the rights, or more rights. The primary has veto power/rights to dictate what happens in their partners relationship and ultimatums are allowed to be given in accordance to their rules... because their partners are owned and don't have the right to make their own decisions if they are in a relationship with another.

okay, read anywhere here and anywhere on line and you will see that this is frowned upon, yet, it still exists.

I would like to point out that many people in established relationships have secondaries that are treated well and all are happy. In these hierarchies there is another reason for existence and that is children, finances, ownership of property, family dynamics and obligations. Many people have said over the years that they have a hierarchy in this way, yet are made to feel ashamed of using that term when really there is no other. Secondaries aren't always disposable at the will of primaries. They aren't always being abused as some toy or play thing at the convenience of their partners partner. Many secondaries are just fine with their lot, so to speak, and are actively participating and influencing the lives of their partners and their partners family. There are many that are established in their own rights in a relationship with their partners and I think that should be the definition of hierarchy over the negative version.

Any thoughts on how to do that while still keeping an eye out for secondary abuse via veto power/rights, abandonment, OPP's, control and wielding power by primaries?
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