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Old 03-20-2013, 09:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
That's great nycindie, but this is a thread about responding to the larger "western culture"'s skepticism toward a different way of relating. Or maybe I'm mistaken.
I don't know why, but it seems you are arguing with me. Are you telling me I am going off-topic? You needn't remind me what this thread is about. I read it, too, and tangents are allowed on these forums. This thread was simply started to ask how people reply to the question "Why poly?" and I chose to respond to specific posts that made blanket statements about monogamy and I am simply saying that you can't make those blanket statements that monogamous relationships automatically equal possessiveness and having no autonomy. The idea that monogamy precludes autonomy is not a given, it's just an opinion. And polyamory doesn't automatically equal progressive and enlightened. People are people and you get whatever you get in relationships depending on the people involved, not necessarily the structure.

Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
I think it's worth pointing out how the context of our culture plays into our ability to practice autonomous living.
What is worth it? What's your point?
Originally Posted by ladyslipper View Post
You sound like you've found a way around that - good for you. I aspire to the same. I respect my confidant in a monogamous relationship for her choices and she respects me for mine and I never forget that my perceptions are based largely on my own (relatively) narrow experiences. "Never say 'never'" as they say..
I haven't found a way around anything. That implies some kind of struggle. I have mostly been monogamous in my whole relationship life, and except for a period when I was young and still figuring out who I was, I never felt a lack of autonomy. If I lost myself, it was due to choices I made; it wasn't forced onme because I was monogamous. And perhaps because I spent a good number of years hanging out with people who were into self-awareness and inquiry, I have been fortunate to know many folks who were monogamous and did not give up autonomy to be so. We all make choices and when we accept responsibility for our own actions, we are expressing our autonomy.

I just don't understand why some people get so up in arms about blaming either monogamy or polyamory for whether or not a person has, nurtures, or achieves autonomy in their personal relationships. There are some pretty fucked-up, oppressive, codependent polyamorists out there and some very cool, nurturing, and enlightened monogamists. Autonomy, independence, and fulfillment are things a person creates and cultivates for themselves in relationships. Why associate whether a person experiences personal autonomy on their relationship configuration?

The word autonomy means "one who gives oneself their own law." That can happen within monogamous relationships, of course!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 03-20-2013 at 09:41 PM.
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