Originally Posted by Natja
I was talking about the gay community, which I assume Joe is smart enough to be looking for gay partners, within the gay community.....of course gay bashing exists, but your argument doesn't actually make sense in the context.
Joe is supposed gay, poly, and kinky. Don't know about your gay community, but ours is poly- and kink-unfriendly. You'd "think" that being on one fringe of society would tend to make people more accepting of the other fringes, but alas no. Not only do they fail to accept poly and kinky folks, but they actively distance themselves from them, not wanting straight folks to associate any of those things with being gay. It's really sick, actually. Ahh, welcome to Saskatchewan.
Joe goes on 'singleTexan/Alberta.com' and leaves out all this deep dark stuff.
He meets a different Jane Doe, who is looking for 'the one' She starts to fall for Joe because he is perfect and then, one day....after a lovely romantic walk home holding hands Joe says 'I have something to tell you...'
There are smarter ways to broach the subject. "Jane, I saw this documentary last night on BDSM. What do you think about that?" "I just read an article online about people who are in multiple relationships where everyone knows about the other partners. It's called polyamory. That's kind of interesting, isn't it?" Joe wouldn't tell Jane unless he'd already "screened" her for acceptance of those lifestyles.
If you want to be a stickler for the original topic, he was talking about Plenty of Fish, not polyamory.com ... this forum is not a dating website by any stretch. There's a personal ads section, but from what I can see, they never go anywhere. Now I personally happen to agree with you that if your life allows it, then being as open and upfront about poly, kink, and bisexuality is fantastic. But that's a big "if."
I'm surprised I didn't realize this sooner... but I actually have a colleague who is literally Joe (buys his food from local farmers, makes his own wine, well respected in his field... bi, poly, kinky, child-free, closeted). The only significant difference is he's white and works in academia. He is absolutely terrified that his colleagues or students will find out. I only know about him because I started a local poly group on fetlife and he saw it. We have mutual friends so he figured it was safer to come out to me personally and swear me to secrecy rather than let me find out second-hand and inadvertently out him.
Yes, he has a profile that says all this on OKC. But because he can't put any pictures up and is scared to meet people who might out him, he doesn't tend to meet a lot of people that way. So it's a fine line.