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Old 03-20-2013, 06:06 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by Babyday View Post
I can see myself marrying Jason, and I used to be able to see that with Ray, but things have changed and I don't have that clear image anymore at this point.
I had a couple boyfriends in my life whom "I could see marrying one day." Needless to say, it didn't work out that way.

When I met my husband, it wasn't "I can see marrying you one day." It was "I can't possibly imagine my life without you in it."

To me, that's the only criterion for marriage suitability. Everything else is "I guess you'll do, at least for now."

Originally Posted by Babyday View Post
My heart is breaking though because I'm loosing Ray. He's been my support system emotionally and financially for the past 5 years and I'm not sure how to handle things are go from here. We've been talking and he's willing to work on us and help me and feels I owe it to him and our relationship to try but I feel my heart wouldn't be in it and I wouldn't be able to give him what he needs and vise versa. Do you think I should try or is my decision ok?
Are there specific problems that can be worked on? Or is it just a general "falling out of love" that sometimes happens? There's not a lot you can do to "work on" that.

Ray doesn't want me to see Jason and said he would be ok if I left him and wanted to work on myself and heal myself and find happiness, which is what I plan to do in a sense
In a nutshell, it's not up to Ray. It's your life. If you part ways from Ray, he doesn't get a vote in whether or not you date Jason.

Both of them want to be with you and both of them say they'll only be with you if you're only with them. But it's one thing to talk hypotheticals, and another to put your money where your mouth is. What would happen if you just told them both, "I'm not going to choose between you and it's not loving behaviour to force that on me." Let them choose by walking away if they aren't comfortable with a vee. Do you really want to be with someone who is forcing you to give up a love in your life? That applies to both of them.

but I don't want to put Jason in hold, or should I? How can I take things slow and scale back with Jason and go from sex partners, to boyfriends, back to a tamed down version?
At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you. We can't make the decision for you. Jason or Ray, or neither? There's no clear answer. You need to do what feels right. They're grown-ups, they can take care of their own feelings. You take care of yours.

It's pretty hard to scale things back when you live with someone, so that's a place to start. But rather than thinking in terms of limitations on your relationship with Jason, you can think in terms of needs in your life and how to work on yourself. There's no general answer there. Working with a therapist might help with specifics.

I feel so guilty for blindsiding Ray with this but at the same time he wanted us to do that to Jason.
I don't see it as blindsiding. He participated in the ultimatum, why should he be so surprised if he lost out in it? That's always a risk when you give someone an ultimatum.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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