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Old 03-20-2013, 07:08 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
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Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Which is of high concern for me. While I want to convey my needs I don't want to do anything that would apply pressure.
Is this a "need?" I'm not saying it isn't, I'm just asking. You mentioned that when you lived apart, you were fine going like this for a couple weeks. So it's not an inherent need that you sleep with your partner a couple times a week. But living arrangements do change needs, and it could be that within this arrangement, this is a need.

For example, I'm vehemently independent. But in the context of co-owning a house, I need my husband to help with certain things. We recently had an ice dam. I was trying really hard to take just care of it, deal with the insurance company and contractors, but it wasn't going well. I'm not awesome at schmoozing professionals (i.e. politics), whereas that's one of my husband's greatest strengths. I finally communicated that I needed him to step up to the plate and take care of this. When he did, he finally realized how stressful it's been for me and how much he really could do to help. Until then, he'd felt helpless because he didn't know any more about house repair than I did. But he knows how to talk to professionals, and that's what this situation called for.

So do I "need" someone to talk to insurance companies and contractors? Inherently, no. But if someone else is equally responsible for this house, then I need him to play an equal role in taking care of shit when shit needs taking care of. Do you "need" to sleep with her a couple times a week? Inherently, no. But if you're sharing a house together? Then perhaps.

Determining whether it's a need or a desire can make all the difference in how you cope with it and how/when/whether you communicate it to her. Clearly, if it's a desire, then her need for support outweighs that. But if it is a need, then it can only go on for so long before something snaps.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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