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Old 03-20-2013, 12:10 AM
OntheZephyr OntheZephyr is offline
New Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 2
Unhappy New to the Board, but Not Poly... and in Need of Advice

Hi there,

I'm glad that places like this exist. Sometimes we find ourselves in a place where we can't quite talk to our friends for advice. I feel like I'm a bit stuck in that place. I apologize if this isn't the place for this and please let me know if there is a better place for me to put this. Since it's the reason I came here in the first place, I thought here might be appropriate.

I admit that I might have a lousy ability to choose partners. While my primary SO is probably one of the most wonderful people I've ever met, my current secondary partner is not. He seems to fall into a group or people who use poly to get what they want out of a relationship... or at least that's how it feels to me.

I don't want to make this TL;DR and go in to some length on this relationship. Suffice to say the problem I have constantly had in this relationship is lack of communication. When we started dating he would say he would do something and we would chat when he would get home. He would then change his mind, stay overnight with a play partner and didn't give me a heads up so I'm not waiting late into the night for him to come online. He didn't need to let me know that he was staying overnight to play. I just wanted him to shoot me a quick text or something where he says, "Hey, I'm sorry but I'm not going to be on tonight."

But that's been the general tenure of the relationship, at least in my eyes.

3 years pass, same general ability to communicate persists. He does things, then asks for forgiveness. To the best of my knowledge, he hasn't done anything that I would say was cheating, but given the lack of communication... it's hard to say one way or the other.

I'm at a loss on what to do. He likes breaking up with me when he feels like he's not getting his way in the relationship. The last time this happened he mentioned that me and my primary (who cohabitate) are "too intermingled". He knew going into this relationship the closeness of mine and my primary partners relationship. I have no idea how to react to this. It almost seems like he wants me for himself. I feel stuck and not sure what to do in this situation. The truth is, if I weren't with my current primary, he wouldn't be slipping into that spot himself.

So, can someone please help me? I really feel lost here.

Thank you, and I once again apologize if this isn't the right place for this (and feel free to let me gently know that).
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