Wow. It has been three months since that last post. And what a 3 months it has been.
After that last speed bump, we really didn't talk much for a bit. I needed some time to get my head straight and to really figure out what the hell I was seeking. So it wasn't until around Christmas that we spoke again. And then tentatively. I had thrown up all these walls, and was super protective of me.
After New Years, and a LOT of thinking on my part, a lot a lot, things opened up. And then, I realized that "casual" is just some dumb word. So screw it. And I just opened up and said, "Yes. Tell me everything." And he did. And that kicked off a chain of communication that just has not quit.
Was he waiting for me to say that before things moved out of casual zone? I don't know. But I am glad I did. Knowing is so much easier than not knowing and wondering. And he was ready to share whenever I asked. And honestly I wish I had asked earlier.
A lot has happened in his life since then. I struggle at times with being one of the few people he says he can talk to. Yes, he has other lovers and loves, but he only sees them very occasionally. He went through a break-up with one of them during this time, I think which was why he was wanting to share in December. It's just as well I wasn't ready for that, as I would have turned on my heel and walked out completely. He'd gotten back together with the ex who he was still hurt by when we first started dating. He was hurt then, nearly a year ago, and has been re-hurt. Hard to watch. Also, explains a lot.
But in the meantime, I have been working on ME. Me me me meme. Feel kind of selfish about it, but I really needed to. After yet another exciting and fun and potentially great connection with another person over Christmas that ultimately fizzled and was VERY disappointing, I have been kind of dealing with the concept that right now, I do not want a one night, or two night stand like that. I get a lot of those. I'm rather aggressive and no bullshit. But I will not be doing that again for a while. Especially not with any more crushes.
Right now I have so much going on with my moving to another city in a few months, a HUGE project at work, and tidying up the last vestiges of my old life to begin again. I am feeling like I just can't take anything new on.
Like have said, I don't really think I am poly. I don't know what the fuck I am. Maybe I am and just reject labels. I have zero interest in dating anyone else right now, though I am by no means exclusive to ___ (still have to come up with a name). Poly-periphery? I don't know. I have discovered the Poly Weekly pod cast and really enjoy it, if only because it is making me understand and practice and be better at communication, thinking things through, etc.
But, anyway, things are going swimmingly in general. Done with the rollercoaster NRE crap, which I HATE. Have a ton more perspective and groundedness. And honestly... right now is a bad time for both me and ___ to start anything much more involved than what is. Status quo is working just fine. Our weekends together over the past few months feel a little more relaxed and non-stressful for me. there's no rush. If things work out, yay. If they don't, I have gained a friend who I will love and treasure for life.
I am in no rush for anything but beginning my new life. I've been a single mother for almost 19 years now. I am ready to be me again. I just have to figure out who I am. It has been a lifetime of me being someone's mom, someone's girlfriend, someone's daughter. I really have never had much time to be just myself.
I have taken in another stray, as I call them. A friend who has just moved to my city and needs a place to start getting established. It's been tricky, as my apartment is VERY small. With me, my daughter and now a friend it is at it's limit. I have ZERO alone time in the house, which is VERY hard for me. And very frustrating. I am used to at least having a few hours and an occasional night here and there. Not so much. Have actually been considering getting a hotel room just to be alone for a night.
Part of my not even wanting to get out and try to date is just feeling kind of drained by helping everyone else in the damn world, it feels like. I have 3 friends going through some pretty serious stuff. Not to mention ___. Top that with a friend who knows no one and is staying with me and a young adult to care for and I am left with not a lot left over. Not for me, not for anyone. I have zero desire to start anything new right now....what I have left over I need to keep for me. ____ is somewhat established in my life and gets more than he would right now if we had just started dating yesterday, for sure.
I don't even know where I am going with this. Just needed to write it all out a bit. I am happy I have found this community, even if I don't quite belong. This has been a pretty intense year of self-discovery. I just wish I had a way to describe myself where I was not judged.
Anyway... that's it for now. Hopefully will update sonner than 3 months next time.