Wolfnrose, I'm just getting caught up on this thread, and these two sentiments struck me.
(Oddly, I don't fear -- maybe this sounds arrogant, but I don't want someone who doesn't see my worth enough to hold onto me...).
But the biggest factor by far that *I* have discovered is (and this should really not surprise you?) is whether the other person is fundamentally worthy of your respect. If my fiance' dates a nice guy who seems to genuinely not wish to come between us, I'm hunky dory -- Yeah, stay over, borrow my tools, whatever... but if he's a total jackass who is clearly only going to hurt the woman I love deeply, I get my hackles up quickly.
I don't believe in "bans" or "vetos" per se, but I do expect my mate to listen to my opinion when she's caught up in New Relationship Energy and totally blinded. I've been there myself, and know ALL about NRE making you think the scankwhore is Cinderella... :-) One of my agreements with my current mate is PLEASE DO tell me when you think I'm dating a scank, because I probably won't see it, and she's likely to show her true colors to my mate (who she's trying to push out) MUCH earlier than myself (who she's trying to impress).
Especially this last one. I think this is so important and it is what I find myself wanting for myself and my husband. I want to feel that that the person he is establishing a relationship with deserves my trust and respect. And I want to be heard without defensiveness when I call bullshit on behavior out of concern for him and myself as well.
I always find it hard to explain that while I do trust him, I know the fantasyland feeling of NRE can be blinding, and I want him to trust my observations, knowing that they come from a good place, not wanting anyone to get unnecessarily hurt. Most of the time when I call out behavior, it is because I have behaved the same way and watched the pain come down. Any person he brings into his life is by proxy a part of my life, and I don't want to live through the same mistakes through someone else if I can possibly help it.
Ok, now I'm going to read the rest.