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Old 01-08-2010, 04:35 PM
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fauxsisticated fauxsisticated is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, ME
Posts: 28

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Best way (as you've already discovered) to realize that the 'real' beast is FAR less fearsome than the 'imagined' beast is to go meet the beast.
I suggest finding him some girl you know he'd like and hooking them up - then sit back and enjoy. You'll feel sooooo much better after. Another beast pelt on your floor.

I've actually already dipped my toe into that pool... I found a bi girl online and started chatting her up. My SO and I are on the same dating site, and she saw his profile. She mentioned she had a lot in common with him, their favorite album is the Barenaked Ladies's "Gordon," for instance. I showed my SO her profile, and he did a little happy dance when he saw her favorite album It was cute to see him get so excited. Deep, deep down, of COURSE I want him to be happy, even if that happiness could be found with someone else some of the time. My fear is that he'll grow to love someone more, or start spending more time with them than me, and I'll wind up lonely and missing him. We spend a LOT of time together now, and I love it that way! I don't want that to change. I don't want to spend time with anyone else more than him, I'd just like to see someone else every now and again, like when he's busy at work and I'm home by myself, or when he's out with friends, or even if he's out with another girl in the future, etc. I made that abundantly clear in my profile, that I don't want someone to come into either of our lives and try to compete for our affection and shut the other one out, so this girl that I introduced him to should hopefully get that should anything blossom between them.

Luckily communication between my SO and myself is stellar, and although we started off being mono, I think that was the best way for us to do things. We've got a strong foundation of love and trust developed, I'm worried (likely quite irrationally) that something might jeopardize that. Even though I was the one who showed him her profile, (and I messaged the girl in question to tell her about his happy dance,) I felt this little pang of worry and jealousy. It's weird being happy for someone and jealous about the same thing at the same time. Even discussing it now is hard for me. Sigh. I really want to unload this baggage. I hate jealousy, I think it's the dumbest human emotion going!

The thing is... I've been down this road before. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy that I eventually moved across the country for several years back. He and I decided to try and open up our relationship right off the bat, and I showed him pictures of a girl I thought was my friend, who was also bi. I mentioned I had the hots for her, and that it might be nice for all three of us to hook up sometime. He started talking to her behind my back and developed a huge crush on her. When I found out, (after some interrogation, he was such a liar,) I mentioned it bothered me that they were carrying this flirtation on in secret and that I didn't find out about it til afterward, but I didn't put my foot down and forbid him from seeing her or anything. I'm not like that. I left it up to his conscience, and told him how much it hurt me. He told me he stopped talking to her, but he secretly kept things going. He broke up with me eventually, and I moved back home. Then after a few weeks told me he loved me and asked me to move back for in with him again. Like an idiot, I did, as I was young and very much in love. I found out when I moved back in with him that he was still flirting with this other girl, and I was really hurt. He dumped me again after three weeks, and I moved back home again. I couldn't believe they would both do that to me... This was a girl that I thought was my friend, that I had known for years. I still feel hurt and betrayed when I think back on it. He slept with her after we broke up and found out he didn't have any chemistry with her anyhow and told me he regretted ruining our relationship over a stupid crush, but at that point I refused to speak to him and cut off all contact for several years. We just started talking earlier this year, and we're sort of friends now, but I'm still mad at him for hurting me then. I would NEVER want to go through that again, it was really, really painful.

That was a totally different situation, but I'm terrified that my desire to be poly might sabotage the best mono relationship I've ever had. My current SO is my best friend in the world, I really feel like he's the proverbial missing piece, my second half. However, I don't think all of a person's relationship needs can or should be fulfilled by just one other person. I think setting people up for the expectation of monogamy only leads to cheating and hurt feelings. Being poly, to me, is the ultimate in honesty. At least, it should be :/

Last edited by fauxsisticated; 01-08-2010 at 04:48 PM.
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