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Old 03-19-2013, 02:41 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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Reading material-

The Seven Levels of Intimacy. I can't remember off hand the authors name. If you can't find it with a search-let me know I will look it up. I own the book-but it's currently loaned out-so I can't go look at it. :P

Anyway, it's a great book (nothing to do with poly) about ANY kind of relationship and how we can improve them-even if they are only between ourself and the cashier.

I read non-stop, all of the time. One of the biggest loves of my life. That book is by far the best relationship book I have ever encountered.
There is some light reference to spirituality-but it isn't pushing any specific religious agenda.

Anyway-I highly suggest both of you read it. Consider what level of relationship you would like with one another & what can be done to make the changes that will create that.

I realize you have been looking at what you don't want/can't deal with etc.
But sometimes it's easier for others to hear specific examples of what we do want-that aren't colored with reference to anyone else.


Example: from wife to husband-address the details of THIS relationship with no reference to girlfriend (different relationship).

from husband to wife-address details of THIS relationship with no reference to her girlfriend.

Also- for wife-it might be helpful for you, in regards to one of his complaints (about the relationships being separate and him not married to you and your girlfriend)
to go read the notes & links Galagirl has posted in her blog thread regarding polymath tiers.

The relationships ARE separate. EVEN in a triad (where all three people are romantically involved) each relationship is separate.
It's laid out SO WELL in some of the links galagirl regularly quotes-it's well worth the read.

In order for any relationship (and this is true from parent to child, other parent to child and sibling to sibling as well) to be healthy-it's imperative that the parties in that relationship have time to focus solely on their relationship.

So, for example,
myself, Maca, GG and our kids at home, sweetpea and sourpea.

There are these relationships:
myself-maca
myself-gg
myself-sweetpea
myself-sourpea
maca-gg
maca-sweetpea
maca-sourpea
gg-sweetpea
gg-sourpea
sweetpea-sourpea

AND there are all of the combinations of 3 and all of the combinations of 4 and then the relationship of all 5 of us as a family.

The same is true in your dynamic.
For his own health Matt has said that the relationship between him and Si has been terminated and is no-contact.
That is his right and he has stated it is a NEED.
That needs to be respected.

If you want to work on the relationship between Matt & Wife, that has to be focused upon just those two.
There is also matt-baby matt-bigger child
wife-baby wife bigger child and baby-bigger child.

Those each require their own maintance too.

Understanding that this is true for EACH duo and then also the trios etc is KEY to understanding that Matt's statement that he is needing to work on his relationship with YOU-really doesn't have ANYTHING to do with Si and the topic of Si needs to be left alone in order to focus on the issues within this relationship.

Sigh... de ja vu.

I do hope some of this helps!
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