I find myself wondering how much of this process MC went through internally but did not express to me. He's an introvert and much more likely to process internally, as opposed to me who generally has to talk things to death with 3 or more people before I fully get through it.
I'm wondering myself if DH is processing. I cannot tell and I haven't asked. I have noted small changes in his vocab use when I thank him for things.
"You are great about remembering to ....(whatever it is.) Thanks! I appreciate that!"
And there's been a change in some of his touching me. Stroking my hair and resting his hand on my head like I am very precious to him. I'm enjoying that sort of attention, but I wonder what's brewing under there to motivate this?
Maybe DH is aware of this on the conscious level. Maybe he isn't and it's all happening underneath?
Right now I'm letting him feel whatever he's feeling and plan to check in later. I know I had to pass and repass some emotions myself so I imagine he could be doing same.
I'm not worried and not in any hurry. It's all part of the slow unfold -- the journey undertaken together. Since for me, the greatest pleasures lie in the unfolding, not the arrival, I like a long, slow, unfold. That would be starting with a new person. Stages of Change journeyed with this person don't have to take a pit stop first in Stages of Grief because... there's been no history yet with this person. There's nothing TO grieve.
But the long, slow unfold with DH? That's still ongoing. We've changed many times over the years and there's been stages to let of of and yes... grieve their passing. No longer being friends only, but FWB, then serioulsy dating, then engaged, then married, then parents, then... ?
Seeing him, experiencing him, loving him in another context -- it's always unfolding outwards and across. That's how Life is lived. Time moves it forward.
But HOW deep we choose to go as we move across time? That's up to us. WHERE we take it? That too is up to us. There will be places not visited. Nobody can have/do it all.
I wash brushing my teeth last night and he was talking to me about love theory
and friends problems and figuring out how to support various polyshipping pals in their particular configurations. They are all so different in models.
Me: I can't do that "no primary/many secondaries model" thing at this age. It's like... well. I believe in consummate love.
DH: Well, so do I. I'm looking at it. (grinning)
Me: Flatterer. Thanks. I mean it though. I get the splitting up across several in that model -- but I already HAD that. At a time in my life when it was much easier to split across and it really did serve me better. But eventually I reached a point where spreading it out and across was no longer as useful or satisfying.
I wanted change and I wanted to reintegrate and pull it back together and then take each node out. I don't want parts in various places providing *a* whole forever. I wanted SEVERAL wholeness-es.
If I do it again, I do not want to tinkertoy consummate love across lovers. I want each ONE to be consummate. I want consummate love with you and then I want consummate love again with Another. I want TWO. Or at least the shot to arrive at two. At my age, why bother with anything less?
DH: (amused) That's what I've always loved about you. You want it to the max.
Me: Life is short, dude. It's not a dress rehearsal. If I'm going after what I want in my Life? I want to go after what I want in my Life when I want it how I want it. No more. No less.
Other people get to choose what they want in their Lives. I get to choose mine. I like going deep -- or at least the potential to.
DH was teasing me recently about other lovers.
DH: Greedy girl. And how many would you have?
Me: Oh.... I'm good with one more. I'm greedy but not that greedy.
I don't want to HAVE more. I want to BE more.
I don't want to have lots of lovers and be in relationship with lots of people... one ore two more intense love experiences in my life would be grand enough if I'm lucky enough to find those people.
I DO want to BE more deeply involved, more interconnected with, more authentic with the people I am in relationship with though... to me that's go deep and not necessarily wide.