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Old 03-17-2013, 08:12 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

This-reminds me so much of where Maca was. We filed divorce papers. I agreed not to fight him in court over the kids and he could keep everything just to ensure our kids didn't suffer through court bs in addition to losing their family.
We lived apart for over a year.
I didn't pressure him to come home. I just accepted that was what he needed in that moment.
I didn't let myself think about the future.

You are right-emotional pressure is difficult.
Sounds like a lot of compromising self for someone else going on. Not healthy.

But-today you see it, so its a good time to change it.

There are compromises you can make that respect other people's needs while still holding a solid line on your own.
But-it will require that you start respecting your inner voive when it says no & that you reframe the lines between you and every other individual.
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
And you want to know what Matt really thinks of Si now? Expendable and unneeded like tonsils or the gallbladder. They serve their purpose, and then you get rid of them if needed or if the time comes. After that, you can still live without them.

This ^^^ is what I'm up against. There's no mistaking that or no amount of counseling that can even begin to fix that. Add that to two people who aren't even willing to seek counseling together, a girlfriend who isn't allowed in your home, years worth of history, a dead friendship, strained relationships, two perceptions of what family is, and it's easy to see how I'm close to blowing a fuse.
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
No problem. It had to happen. Whether it was a month ago, now, or six months down the line. Nothing was going to stop it from happening.

I'm the type of person who addresses whatever it is and leaps into action right then. I'm not for the talking game and let's find a happy-go-lucky resolution or pretend that there's a happy medium. That's not going to happen. I owned my feelings, released them, and decided what I had to do from that moment forward. Inner peace is a hell of a drug and what I've been missing.

I know it's driving a rift between us. I'm the odd guy out, so I've already decided to seek a divorce attorney and consult with someone versed in family law. I have to be prepared to leave if I know for sure that I cannot and will not live like this. My wife knows, and all I could do was tell her to do the same. I will fight her for custody with everything in me. I don't like surprise attacks, so she can't say I didn't tell her well in advance. I'm the one who doesn't want to be part of a poly ship/family or whatever this shit is. It stands to reason that I should be the one to leave, if it comes down to it. Then, she can continue living her life and practicing her lifestyle without me around or having me to contend with. I'm doing my damndest to keep it from heading down that path, but if it has to, she has been warned.

Cold blooded? No, I'm a realist. I realize the cards are stacked against me. I'm the only one who doesn't want to be part of this, so when this lands where does that leave me? On the outside looking in. I realize this might be hurting her. I realize she's torn. I realize my feelings. I realize her girlfriend isn't part of my future or my vision of nesting. I realize she's not my equal. I realize she's not in my marriage. I realize I can and will live without her being around. I realize that this is my wife's lifestyle, and if she wants to continue it, she has every right. If this doesn't come to a head, I will remove myself from the equation. Problem solved. If necessary, I realize that my wife and I may have to separate, divorce, and enter a custody dispute.

Nothing I'm saying here is a surprise to her. It may not be an easy pill to swallow. Do I want to move out? No, but our home is half hers, and once again, I am the only one who does not want to be part of a poly family. The kids love her. My wife loves her. I'm the one who doesn't. What do you do when something is not wanted? You get rid of it. If she just has to have her around and in our home, yes, I will move out. Then, she can be free to have her around, and her girlfriend can continue to bond with our children. They can be one big happy family without me being around.

It was one hell of an argument. I have no regrets. I wish it had happened sooner. Even if we had never slept together, it was still going to happen, still be heated, and still end with this result. Years worth of supposed hidden resentment amassed to something that spiraled out of control. The nesting impulse isn't that intense. I have a clear perception of what I view is nesting. That was clouded, but the picture is clear. It's us and her on the outside.

There is no middle ground. I have calmed down, and I feel like myself again. I have gotten everything off my chest. I'm saying everything that comes to mind and not holding back. The argument could have been handled better. I can't control how she reacted to what was being said. I said it in the nicest way possible without offending her. Don't ask me how I really feel about something if you can't handle the response. I'm still not apologizing. Any apology now would not be heartfelt and would be said in a forced way. I can't pretend to want her around when I know I don't.

It's not something from childhood. It's something that started later in life. I used to be pretty selfless and went along with quite a bit. It starts with one thing. Usually my wife's non-verbal insistence. A look or whatever it is she does to suggest things without saying them out loud. "No, I don't mind that you're poly. I guess I can live with it because I love you, and loving you means accepting or learning to live with certain things." You know what that turned into? This. I guess I really couldn't live it, and this was this moment for it to come out. "I guess I don't mind if she's part of doctor's appointments, if it's that important to you." This turned into being in the delivery room, being a co-parent, and the oldest calling her mom #2, so I can't severe that relationship. I could, but it would be traumatic for her. "I guess I don't mind if she joins us on this particular vacation, if it would make you happy." See the trend? A good old fashioned psychological ploy called emotional bulldozing. You want to say no, but due to pressure or duress, you say yes.

I'm not passive aggressive in everything. Just anything dealing with my wife and her other relationship. Trying to help keep her happy and respecting her relationship has lead to a lot of problems. I had to go back and think. Did I really want her in the delivery room? Did I really want her to be there when we saw the baby the first time? Did I really want her on family vacations? Did I really even want her to be part of "us" at all? Did I really ever want any of this and everything else I've thought about? Or did I just roll with it to keep the peace and to keep a smile on her face? Still working on those answers.

The hard line isn't really there anymore. I really don't want her around our kids, but who talked me out of that? The wife. I changed the pass code on the alarm panel. I took the key to the house back and they key card to the security panel at the start of our subdivision. I meant business. She's not welcome in our home or in my life, and it's clear now.

This thread isn't part of it. I can tune out the bullshit and form thoughts on my own. That's what I've been doing. I've had quite a bit of time to myself to think with cool head. I respect people's opinions and their thoughts. Sometimes it helps to have advice from someone who possibly feels the same way or has dealt with this. A therapist is trained to deal with issues, but how many have lived each and every situation?
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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