Wow, I've been PMSing hard recently. Last few times have been serious freefalls, gritted teeth, white knuckles. Makes me wanna dwell in the shadows - so I thought this is a good opportunity to be clear in this blog about some things that are challenges at the moment.
Ocean, still can be very depressed some days, which I often experience as a trigger for myself feeling guilt, useless. God, depression can be so relentless. His meds only help so much. He smokes weed (a small to moderate amount) to relieve his mood... but he's been addicted in the past and doesn't always find it easy to regulate. He's really antisocial when he smokes. Wants to be by himself. I don't usually enjoy being around him when he's high.
Things are frequently rough with him and Menrva. Their relationship, on top of his own work, can tire him out so that he's left craving for time and space for himself. I can feel it, and I want him to get what he needs... but I also need time with him. I don't want to add my demands on him to all his existing demands, but I don't want to minimise my own needs, to be the wheel that doesn't squeak until fuck! It's jammed up.
I feel like I need a lot of self-awareness to navigate these relationships. To know when I need to speak up, and do it. The first part can often be the hardest.
While I'm on the difficult aspects of my relationship with Ocean: sex. Is still infrequent to non-existent. Things are much, much better than they were before he got on his most recent meds, but more often than not any moves I make in that direction are rebuffed. Yes. The few times we've fucked recently have been delicious. Caramel heating on a stove. Warm, nourishing, close. In fact, one body.
But. We aren't dessert people, and yet we're still ordering dessert more often than we have sex. Come on, dude
I'm not known for my patience. Luckily, there's nothing lacking in love or intimacy between Ocean & I, or desire to be with each other. So, sex relegated to being a side salad to a side salad? A small thing. I'm used to it. But, like a dripping tap, I'd prefer if it wasn't there.
Hmm. Things are good though, overall. I have bold, wondrous people in my life, who care about me bucketloads. I'm beyond sated, in the best way possible.