I've got the mono spouse who is reluctantly agreeing to my poly arrangement because he wants me to be happy. He is very frank about stating that my bf's feelings don't matter to him one bit. He sees bf as an unwelcome intruder on our previously monogamous marriage, and never wants to lay eyes on him (it hurts him too much). But my feelings matter to him, so he has an indirect interest in that relationship going well.
Bf also says he has no particular concern for my husband's feelings, except that he wants my marriage to stay strong and me to be happy. So in a way, they are each making compromises to benefit the other, but their motivation is my happiness, not each other's.
westVan, I wonder how your man's marriage is affected by his wife's attitude. I would find the frequent calls annoying, and the thank you notes? I'd be feeling like a piece of property if my husband felt he should be thanked for loaning me out. (I thank my husband for taking care of the household while I am away, but my bf doesn't have to thank him for that.) Perhaps the wife really doesn't care about your feelings, but she should care about her husband's, and she seems not to be.
I'm with GalaGirl. Turn this around and look at what your own limits are. Requesting that his phone be turned off while he is with you seems like a perfectly reasonable start. (I think phones these days can be set so that a truly urgent call can still get through, if that is a concern.)
Married to a monogamous man 15 yrs, mother of 2, dating C 3 yrs, and in a romantic friendship with L more than 20 yrs