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Old 03-15-2013, 07:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 2,947
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Know what? You JUST broke up with him. It is still fresh and you are still in the stages of grief.

You have not completed the stages of grief journey in mourning the loss of relationship to arrive at "acceptance" stage so you can accept these things fully:
  • Accepting he does not love me like I want to be loved.
  • Accepting he does not respect my limits like I want my limits respected.
  • Accept that while I love him and wish I could love him safely, he is not a safe person for me to love.

You are working toward that. Could ask yourself this...

While I am still in the stages of grief over the break up and vulnerable since it just happened 2 months ago...if my goal is to heal myself from this experience my OWN behavior could be...
  • Keep responding to my ex so he can bring me new upset and confuse me some more while I am grieving.
  • Stop talking to my ex so I can be free of new confusion and upset while I am grieving.
  • Expect my ex to honor personal limits of mine and call him on it when he does not.
  • Expect myself to honor my personal limits and call myself on it when I do not.


Could align yourself toward your goal in your words and in your behavior. Acceptance will come and penetrate "all the way across" eventually... but only if you let TIME do it's work. Every time to talk to him it is start the whole process over.

Quote:
He reels me in because we have this string between us and I love him, I believe he loves me too.
That's emotion talk. It's ok to feel. You will feel a lot in the stages of grief. But balance it out with BEHAVIOR DONE or NOT DONE.
  • This dude does not want a relationship shape that you want. You are not compatible.
  • This dude does not respect your limits. He ignores the no contact. He calls you at 5 AM?!

That whole thing could be rewritten like this...

Quote:

I love him. I want to believe that he loves me too and can love me in the way I want to be loved. But I know from his behaviors and his words that he will not / cannot provide the relationship shape and loving behaviors I require from the relationship model I seek. I know I cannot have it here with him. That's why I broke up.

I need time/space for my feelings and perceived reality to catch up to current status and actuality. I have broken the string between us physically by breaking up in January.

I know feelings take a while to catch up to behavior so I am waiting for the strings to untie emotionally and mentally and restore my spirit after my grieving time. He gives me no space to do all that in by dishonoring my no contact limit. I cannot control his behavior.

He reels me in because I respond and give him opportunity to weave his spell.

I could control my behavior better. I could hang up when he contacts me. I could change my number. I could block all his. I could do all those things and maybe a few others! I am going to choose to do....what?
YOU can give YOU the space you need if you choose. Choose your next behavior wisely. Could strive to meet your goal -- a healthy post-break up you.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-15-2013 at 07:35 AM.
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