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Old 03-15-2013, 04:02 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan View Post
We . . . have decided to explore outside of our marriage for the things she is lacking emotionally, and for myself the exploration of if what I feel towards her is real.
Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan View Post
We do need to work on our relationship first, but she feels we need a break; wants to explore this relationship with the other guy, and [she] wants me to see what's out there . . . Maybe I do not love her as much as I should. Maybe there is someone out there that can inspire me to love.
Originally Posted by ConfusedBryan View Post
. . . me still wanting to be lovers, but exploring out there to find out if I do truely love her or is there someone out there that makes that love come "naturally" from me.
Basically what it seems you are saying is:
you have been made to think that you haven't loved your wife "enough" - as if love can be quantified and you didn't do it right;

your wife wants you to see "what's out there," and is encouraging you to pursue someone else, but it doesn't really sound like that's what you want;

you only want to get involved with another person as an experiment to see if you know how to love, or can love "naturally" (whatever that means). You're hoping you can somehow love your wife "more" or better after being with someone else; and

you both have been disappointed in the marriage, not been supportive partners to each other in repairing what's broken, so you are looking elsewhere to try and fix it, but it seems this is coming mostly out of frustration, defeatism, and deep self-deprecation on your part.
I don't know if a poly situation is really right for you. I think it might be a good idea to separate, and see if there is something there to still work on and heal, but you two have got the poly thing all backwards - and frankly it just sounds like she wants it so she can still continue with her lover and not do her part to fix her marriage.

Put yourself in the shoes of whomever you might get involved with! You would be using them for your own gain. I can tell you this - the only reasons I would hope someone is with me would be that they can't wait to see me, are thrilled to be in my company, enjoy getting to know me, and are excited and turned on by who I am. If someone just wants to use me to fix their marriage, I'd run screaming in the opposite direction! Hell no, go see a therapist, I am not a lab rat nor a Band-aid. Don't do that to someone.

Find a good therapist and go to therapy alone if she won't do it with you - discover what it is you want and expect from this relationship, and from your life. Develop your self-worth and find ways to be happy that do not depend on your wife or whether your marriage works or not. Examine your self-defeating beliefs behind the behaviors that got you here. Ask yourself why you let things slide - but know that she is 100% responsible for her part in it, too. You are both 100% responsible and she needs to step up and fix things too.

Don't look for another relationship until your current one is either healed and incredibly strong or over and done. Consider that divorce may be the best thing for you both. I really don't see how pursuing others will help you here, at least not now. You have huge hurdles to overcome.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 03-15-2013 at 04:08 AM.
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