Sorry, Confused Bryan -- I could have been more clear.
Thank you, kdt26417 for covering some of those vocab terms.
But my wife does have somebody, the guy guy she had the affair with. She is still seeing him. I read post on here about a V relationship and I do not think I want that.
I hear you that you don't want that and you probably would not have chosen it for yourself. But that is what you HAVE and what you are currently IN right now:
She's the hinge person in the middle of the "V" -- the "shared sweetie." She made a behavior choice that affected you.
So... what needs do you have in this situation so you can arrive at "I am happy in my new marriage with my wife and with her Other somewhere in the picture?" You do not have to love the Other. But if you are willing to temporarily accept him in your life as her Other... what behaviors does she have to do? He have to do? THEY have to do? To return to right relationship with you in all the layers of your configuration's polymath?
I do not know if this thread could help you in terms of breaking down the elephant size problems.
I wrote out that 3 people polymath out for them and what each tier could do at that time. You could extrapolate from there how it could apply in your situation.
But before all that... is your wife in it here? Really willing to be present and accountable in it? Willing to give it her all to restoring the marriage to health with you? Ready to recommit to rebuilding broken trust with you? In a new marriage shape that includes a "V" shape polyship now with her as the hinge?
She choose a poor choice in her conduct. Done. But she is now not sure you mean it when you say
you will attend to her reasonable needs or if over time you will flake out like before. Your past actions were not solid. Her trust in you is broken.
Just as much as your trust in HER is broken. It is very generous of you to be willing to forgive her and be willing try this Open thing and mend broken trust. Is SHE willing to forgive your previous lack of follow through? Not keep holding that against you or make it be the excuse for her own poor conduct? Be willing to try this Open thing and mend broken trust?
Give yourself the time you need to sort things out for yourself. Take it at a pace you can deal with. One thing at a time. The road could yet still have bumps... but if you are both willing to continue on this journey together in marriage could get on with it then. One small step at a time at a pace you both can deal with.
Def see a counselor if you need help in this journey, take communication classes at your county extension office or library -- wherever resources may lie to aid. If you guys could do it ALONE... you would have been already, right? Could be willing to avail yourself to aid.
I am hopeful for you -- you seem to be willing to give it a shot -- do what it takes to repair the marriage. I hope she is too.
You already have 3 players here -- could choose to Open no further than that to minimize variables in your Experiment Time.
Some resources. YMMV... The first is written about recovering from cheating.
The genders are where it is the husband who cheated and the wife who has to come to terms. Your case is the other way around, but perhaps both of you reading that could prepare you for emotional roller coaster you may still have to work though in order to mend broken trust and heal the marriage.
Here's more links...