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Old 03-14-2013, 05:46 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Things have been crazy, y'all. I've never experienced anything quite like this. I don't know if it's just the flood of NRE that I'm not used to, or if there's really something special happening. Time will tell.

Clay (the OKC guy that I mentioned in my last post) and I have been chatting a lot since I contacted him over the weekend -- 15 minutes here, 30 there, and then for two straight hours the night before last. We talk about how our days are going, our other partners, our shared interests. We shared our Tumblr and Fetlife handles with each other. Things have gotten pretty steamy... the day after we first spoke, he read something that I'd posted on FL and wrote a short piece of erotica that he confided in me was inspired by it. The other night, during our particularly long conversation, we got to talking about D/s and the things we might be interested in trying together, and I ended up writing him a long, erotic email the following morning.

In our conversations, I've maintained that talking is fine, but that we have to meet in person and hang out for at least, y'know, a couple of freaking hours, before we start laying out a trajectory for a D/s dynamic. Which is all well and good, expect that a dynamic seems to be evolving spontaneously and strongly just through our online interactions. I don't even know what his voice sounds like! I don't know what vibe I'll get from the way he moves, or how he smells, or anything like that! How on earth is it that I'm thinking about him all the time?? How on earth is it that I already think of him as someone I'm ready to submit to? How is it that I'm turned on right now, just from having typed that last sentence??? Surely this is just some kind of overblown crush, like the kind that a teeanger would have, that just feels so strong because this is shaping up to be a D/s thing. But then again... Harry and I had a strong D/s component to our friends-with-benefits arrangement, and I never felt remotely this head over heels for him.

I can't believe I'm typing this, I almost don't want to acknowledge it even to myself, but there was a part of me that wanted to type "I love you" at the end of our long conversation. That is ABSURD. I've known him for five days, and have never met him in person. I certainly don't believe in love at first sight, much less love at first google chat. I'm doing my best to play it cool. And, frankly, I'm doing a slightly better job than he is -- he's admitted quite plainly that he's giddy about our upcoming date, that he's feeling the NRE very strongly, that he feels strongly drawn to me and turned on by me. I haven't been entirely coy about feeling the same, but I've kept the intensity of my feelings at least slightly under wraps so far. Trying to keep a level head, or at least the appearance of one.

I'm just grateful that I'm so busy right now. I've had social engagements, both with partners and with friends, almost every night this week so far, and will every day right up until Monday when Clay and I have our first date. I'm feeling a bit overbooked, in fact, but at the same time I'm grateful for the distraction. The closest thing that I can recall to feeling this way before was with my ex, Ziggy, back when I was just 18 and we were talking online constantly... but even that happened a little slower, and AFTER we already knew each other in real life. Ziggy ended up being the love of my life for many years, even though it didn't work out in the end. I wonder if this will be similar? What a silly thing to wonder, such a short time in.

And yet... often, when I questioned my quasi-monogamous arrangement with Davis, I found myself thinking "What if there's someone else out there, just waiting for me, someone who I'm missing out on the opportunity to be with, someone who I'm meant to be with? Forget that you don't believe in such ideas for the moment, and just imagine what that person would be like... someone queer, kinky, and poly, someone communicative and cute, who's an artist an activist..." Clay, as it happens, is all of those things. He's already slotted into a place in my brain that was waiting for him and it's a powerful feeling. I have to be careful to see him as he is, clearly and objectively, and not idealize him because he fits some template.

The other funny thing about him, aside from the fact that he fits so well with my idea of my ideal person, is that this actually isn't our first contact. I messaged him on OKC three years ago, just a single line to say hi. He messaged me back, a few paragraphs. It was a very nice, thoughtful reply. I never responded. He doesn't recall that contact, he said he's deleted a lot of old OKC messages and doesn't have that one anymore. But I still have it. When I wrote above that I "found" him on OKC, it's true, I stumbled upon his profile again, but I realized immediately that he was the same guy. I don't exactly make a habit of messaging people on OKC, I'd only ever done it twice, and he's the only one I didn't get back to (the other became a friend). It had actually stuck with me, I felt like a big wimp and sort of regretted it, but at the time I realized that I just wasn't ready to pursue a stranger like that. Every once in a great while, the opportunity that I'd let pass me by would come to mind. So, as odd as it is... I've actually been thinking about this guy for the past three years.

I'd say the anticipation for Monday is killing me, but... actaully, it's completely lovely and pleasant to have something coming up soon that I'm looking forward to so strongly.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 03-14-2013 at 05:51 PM.
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