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Old 03-14-2013, 04:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by Matt View Post
Metamour. I hate that bloody word. I slept with her... It felt like cheating. Why continue doing something that makes you feel like shit?
Metamour doesn't mean sex partner. Metamour means partner of your partner. If Si was your partner, we'd call her your partner. She's the gf of your wife, therefore your metamour. A metamour is someone you do NOT have romance or sex with. For a month or two, you and Si were partners, you and she and FoL experiemented with being a full triad, even to the point of thinking about getting Si pregnant.

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My 180 is within reason.
You may be telling yourself and us you're being reasonable, but we see you as emotional in this thread. Angry, disgusted, fed up. Hurt.


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I never lied to my wife or even to myself for that matter. I knew she was polyamorous. I knew that meant compromising, being understanding, being tolerant, and making sacrifices. I grew out of it. I grew tired of being so accommodating, always compromising, always making sacrifices, and always being understanding. In return, my concerns were ignored and my say was undermined.
Why were your concerns ignored and undermined? Is FoL that clueless or did you express your desires so mildly she didn't understand the depth of your feelings and needs? Since you told us you'd actually invite Si to stay for dinner (politely yet dishonestly, a social little white lie), and not tell her you wanted more time alone with FoL, I am guessing the latter.

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I guess none of that matters.
It matters! Everyone's feelings matter, but as we've been saying, especially in poly relationships, or even more in mono/poly, your needs have to be CLEARLY expressed. It's not fair to expect your partner, or her partner, to mind read.


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For me, polyamory is not part of my vision anymore. I lived with it for years, and then over time, I questioned whether I wanted to live contently with occasional bursts of happiness for the rest of my life, or did I want pure and true happiness? It reeks of settling. At some point, you get tired of only getting a fraction of someone you married. It got old. Especially as she started getting complacent and putting her other relationship before our marriage. Then, her other relationship and our marriage became a hybrid creation. It wasn't that I wasn't saying it. It wasn't heard. My wife didn't want to hear it because well she probably assumed that I would demand that she end her relationship. Presumptuousness in essence. I was tuned out because I wasn't saying the right thing.
Well, I guess you could say, "I didn't speak up ( and in fact said things I didn't really mean), or she tuned me out when I did speak up." We here can't know... That dynamic can be explored in therapy, and maybe, just maybe, if you tweak it, "this marriage can be saved."

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Initially, the good outweighed the bad, so I stuck it out. I had a wife and two children. I liked my life. It was good up until a certain point. Notice I didn't say loved. Was every moment of our lives filled with blissful joy, rainbows, and spinning around a campfire singing Kumbaya ? No. Come on now.
Well, no one's is, except maybe certain religious people who sit in a cave communing with their god non-stop, totally non-attached to the material plane. We all strive for happiness, pursue it even, and that is our right. Heck, it's in the US Constitution. I guess we all hope to be as happy as possible in an imperfect world. My bf actually states he is fine with mere contentment. Me, I like some ecstasy, although I am not in that state 24/7.

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I've been dying to say this. This isn't in a hateful way, but I don't really give a damn if her girlfriend's life has to be restructured. That's her problem. I have enough to deal with in my marriage. Let alone an issue with her. She's a grown woman. She's not part of my family or any part of my future. The end.
Here are the kinds of words that tell us you're angry, bitter. That is not "reasonable," though not unacceptable either. However, your metamour, your wife's gf, is a part of your larger family. My ex husband's gf ... I dont see her much, but I do consider her a part of my extended family because my/our son (age 21) lives with my ex, and the gf lives nearby and so they spend a good deal of time together. And your kids are so little, they consider Si their other mother.

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I care about my kids well-being. I know if push came to shove, my wife would be alright. With or without me. She has someone else to fall back on, and well, she's an integral part of her life, so if I left, what difference would it make?
Well, don't underestimate how much you mean to FoL. Poly people don't just take comfort in one lover when they lose another one. It hurts just as much to lose one as it does for a mono person.

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She wouldn't have to deal with a husband who doesn't want to be part of any of this. She could find one who has no problem with it.
Perhaps, but she loves YOU. It's going to be painful if you break up.

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You never want to do anything to hurt a loved one. I know that, and never would I ever do anything to intentionally hurt her or cause her pain.
And hopefully you will take action in such as way as to cause as little unintentional harm and pain as well, eh?
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. --Shaw

me: Mags, female, pansexual, poly, 59, loving and living with
miss pixi, female, pansexual, poly, 37
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