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Old 03-14-2013, 01:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,358

To me it sounds like you have agreed to have a time out. For her to collect her thoughts. For you to do the same. You have chosen to do some of it in this thread. That's fine.

To me it sounds like you have also agreed to "Open Marriage for a while" to determine if she is happier in marriage as a hinge. And you can determine if you can be happier in marriage to her as a "V arm" person. Fair enough. You guys agreed to this.

To me, you do not sound like you want to date yourself. Maybe you want to see if you can be happy as a monoamorous V arm? Is that what you want to try to find out?

You did ID some other areas you could work on in this Experiment Time.
  • Distracted, depressed, not as present in the marriage as you could have been in the past, etc.

I'm not hearing when the "Opening Experiment" is supposed to check in. Is this with the new poly friendly counselor appointments each month? And do this for a year and final result is THEN? For deciding to give the experiment more time, end the experiment and continue as a polyship, end experiment to Close the Marriage back up, or to end the experiment and end the marriage?

I'm also not hearing what you guys are supposed to be measuring for behaviors will be done/not done during this Experiment Time -- to improve yourselves, and to improve the marriage. Was it JUST to Open? If so, you opened. Can we call it a "successful marriage" then? Prob not.

You are going to feel a lot of things on the journey -- possibly work through some ugh feelings in the transition before arriving at a place of stability where you can take stock of your feelings then. Are you both aware of that and willing to get there? Nobody likes the added "ugh" of "Is my partner going to BAIL on me?!" Perhaps that could be alleviated by giving a time limit for monthly check ins and final result of the Opening Experiment a year out from finding a counselor to work with. (Just throwing out numbers for sake of discussion. You determermine your marriage needs with the wife who is actually in the marriage with you.)

Could ask your counselor for help in identifying your wants, needs, and limits for yourself, and wants, needs, and limits for the marriage and what "successful V shape marriage" means for you as a "V arm" person in the arrangement. What that means for her as the "hinge person" -- then get this written out for your agreements so you can hold yourselves and each other accountable. If you have something to look at it is much easier to ask yourself "Am I doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing? Is she?" You each plan to hold up your end of the deal right? So what's the deal you are holding? Can you look at it?

She knows you have this thread. She has asked for space to sort herself out.

Does that mean...
  • She wants to have privacy with her own thoughts and does not want to share them with you right now and disclose for a while? How long?
  • She wants to be free of hearing YOUR thoughts and she does not want to hear you disclose for a while? How long?
  • Both those things?

If for a short time to cool off and get it together -- understandable.

If for a long time? The risk is growing emotional distance and detachment between you because of lack of disclosure = lack of emotional intimacy.

Could ask in counseling for the clarify there and what the limit is there that she suggests.

If she wants space for 30 days to collect herself before she recommits to working on closing gaps in the marriage so it can improve -- you might find that reasonable to endure, you willing to participate like that, and could use your thread to collect your thoughts and record your journey for later disclosure. Practice how you communicate with others if that is an area you want to work in.

If she wants space for 30 years to collect herself before she recommits to working on closing gaps in the marriage so it can improve, you may find that objectionable and not something you are willing to participate in.

Mostly -- I see you as still as the sorting yourself out place. There's a lot of questions that don't yet have answers. But that sounds normal for the stage you are at. The very beginning! Maybe you just want to collect questions -- flag and tag, but not worry about answers just yet. Get the lay of the land, so to speak. What territory you may have to cover with the wife and counselor.

So could keep on sorting so things can get clearer for you in time and hang in there. Take it one thing at a time and pace yourself. You sound like you want to be in your marriage and try to get back into right relationship with your wife, so give yourself credit there.

You are responsible for 50% of the effort in the marriage so... could hold up your end of the responsibility stick. Be present and accountable. Be taking stock right now of your situatuation. Not making plans, just... taking stock. Collect yourself.

Maybe that attitude could help you in this stage of the journey right now?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-14-2013 at 01:45 PM.
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