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Old 03-14-2013, 01:10 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post

First let me ask if you think its possible for someone to have an awakening.? Do you understand the premise of the reverse awakening as it applies here.?

#2 If a person was a serial monogamist, a cheater, etc for years (history) ...finally gets married ...commits to a traditional mono marriage.. is happy for several years ...has kids ....more years pass ... not so happy for a period of time and then he or she reads a book see's a tv show has a dream or whatever and boom it clicks I"M POLY ...I"M wiring for non monogamy.
Is that person a liar? Was he or she Lying to themselves and their spouse all that time ?
Since this describes how I lived for 20 years when I was married, I'd have to say yes. I didn't know about the possibility of ethical non monogamy, but I still felt I was lying to my ex husband whenever I got crushes on friends, neighbors or celebrities, he'd suspect it, and I'd deny it "to protect his feelings."

I also felt like an evil slut.

So, in Matt's case, I'd say it's even more like lying, because of course he knew the possibility of monogamy exists. It's our culture's default.

Where's the line in trying to assimilate trying to make things work for your wife/ marriage, the greater dynamic AND doing things "just" to make someone else happy.
It is a fine line! There is compromise you can live with, and then there is compromise that undermines your very soul. Perhaps Matt over-compromised though. Mono/poly marriages exist and do work, he maybe just needed better time management, but he didn't speak up and things went on too long.

I've never seen anyone suggest they should carefully weigh the effects of changing the marital dynamic on children when considering taking up a poly lifestyle with a reluctant spouse. Ive read a lot of threads never seen that.
How odd. It seems to me people consider their children all the time in poly. Personally I know I've said I could NOT have done poly very well when my kids were young... they took so much energy I had no interest in dating other partners. I would have just liked to be able to comment on attractive people to my ex without his jealousy going through the roof!

He British so he's got cultural baggage surrounding repressed emotions.
I said that. It's not a judgment, it's an assumption that might have some merit.

Why can't he have a mono identity?
He can of course. If he wants a mono partnership, however, that is going to take some work now. He'd probably need a new partner.

That seem to be belittled by those thing. Her identity must be honored ...and his can be compromised.
No one should compromise their entire personality and soul. However, that was his choice and modus operandi. Now, he has to entirely restructure his life, plus the lives of his wife, his metamour and his 2 young children.

How would you do that with gay person ?
Calm down, please, dinged. No one is asking Matt to have a romantic relationship with more than one woman, or with a man... No one is insisting he remain in this relationship within the same parameters. The 180 he made, from acting content, to actually having sex with his metamour, to then wanting out of everything and burning all bridges, that was the concern.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) together since 2009
My bf Kahlo (poly-friendly, M, 45) since August 2017
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's bf for 5 years
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