rory - thanks
It's fun writing too.
Well, Grotto's been powering away at a personal project of his, making massive headway. He's happy, focused, proud of himself. Made me realise that I haven't been doing too well on my own projects. It's not all bad, but it hasn't been great. And, I felt slightly jealous!
I've always found it hard delimiting time for my own stuff. Somehow everything else gets priority, and once I finally clear the pile of laundry, I find my projects were stifled at the bottom of it all.
The only thing to do, of course, is get better at making space for myself and my own projects. Use Grotto's success to inspire me to do better. I need to give myself more time, quality time, to squirrel away at things. Remind myself that I want, need this.
I've thought a bit about how creative and sexual energy influence each other. One of my friends feels like she has to pick one over the other; in her experience, she doesn't make as much art if she's also having good sex. I don't know how it is with me, but I noticed that I had just made room in my schedule for me to finish a project (pretty much cleared the table of personal commitments for the next few weeks) when Plinth and I hooked up.
I haven't dropped the ball on tasks I owed other people, but I have been slack with my self-imposed deadlines. Have also been sleeping less. (Well, it's been stinking hot, so sleep hasn't come easy anyway.)
Today have a date with Plinth after dance again. I want to do a solid chunk of work beforehand, so I feel like I deserve the break.
Ended up hanging with one of Grotto's colleagues over the weekend, unplanned. Went back to his place, played chess, got high, cooked dinner. He's a guy I've hung out with a wee bit, but always in groups. I didn't think it through properly... what his expectations were, what I wanted. It was like an accidental date. He asked me to stay over. I decided to sleep on the couch. His apartment is a couple of buildings over from where Grotto lives.
Grotto and I had been texting a wee bit through the night. I said I had no idea what was going on, and asked if he was ok. Grotto said he was just bemused, and wished me good luck. Around 2am I got a call from Grotto, he wasn't doing too well, wanted to see me. So I went round (his colleague woke up and walked me over, actually, which was sweet)...
Turns out Grotto had been feeling progressively less comfortable about the thought of me getting together with one of his friends/work colleagues. Understandably. I had considered the workplace dynamics of things when I'd decided not to go there. We didn't have any clear rules about it, but we've got a rule now. No friends or workmates.
I could probably use a few restrictions