Good morning. Nobody ran me off of here. I wasn't offended by anything or anyone. I can tune you out or ignore you if you're not saying anything I care to read. The same should apply. Don't like what I'm saying? Don't respond or overlook this. That's that. No hard feelings.
I never lost my voice. It wasn't heard because it wasn't what was desired. Something finally clicked during our last session. She actually understood me. I could have given her a round of applause. I've been waiting for that day. It feels nice to be heard.
I don't owe anybody but my kids a thing. I owe it to them to try to stay in this marriage and keep our family together. I'm doing it for my kids and myself. I'm not even doing it for my wife. That's part of the problem. I've been doing things too long to keep the peace and to keep her happy. Bot doing that anymore. I'm not really hurt contrary to what's believed. Initially, yeah. Guess what? Got over it and moved on. Sitting around sighing and wishing things were different wasn't going to change facts.
I'm not even angry. I actually felt a bit of softness toward my wife. I told her I loved her before I went to bed. We actually had a nice little chat. Once the awkward vibes wore off, it was ace.
I did have an awakening. I'm in a different chapter of my life, and part of that chapter involved deciding whether to just live in an almost constant state of diluted contentment with occasional times of happiness or genuinely be happy. Part of that contentment included only having a piece of my wife and pieces of her time due to her other relationship. Nothing in life is fair, but if I'm giving 100%, where is it written or acceptable that I get 20%? I know I can't have all of her time. We have small children, careers, and lives outside of each other.
I dealt with her poly lifestyle, state of being, or whatever it is you want to call it. It was like a watered down drink at a bar. After so many, you might get a buzz, but eventually that feeling wears off, and you sober up. I sobered up after years of dilution, being drunk on love, and started thinking clearly instead of with an intoxicated mind and love laden heart. Could I have just demanded that she live in a monogamous way to please me? Sure, but we'd be divorced now, and well, I'd probably be in my second marriage.
At the end of the day, I wasn't lying to myself or trying to prevent being alone. I can handle being alone. I can be alone and treat myself well. It was a compromise and slowly turned into me getting the short end of the stick. In the beginning, I got to be with the woman I loved, and she got to keep on living the way she pleased and also got to keep her other relationship. Major compromise from a person with a monogamous background and hard wired for it.
Slowing down? What was that going to change? I don't want to hear about how it's unfair to the kids and they didn't ask for this. I know that, which is why I separated myself and decided to at least try other things before saying to hell with it. If you're going down that road, they didn't ask for a part-time "mother" in that girlfriend of my wife's or to even be part of a poly family. Did they have a say in either of those things?
This relationship is a poly relationship because of my wife. It doesn't matter that I'm monogamous. This situation still has to be treated like a poly relationship and handled like one. I can't say I expected balanced support from here. A monogamous marriage forum wouldn't understand this. We even had to find a poly-friendly therapist. It was either go to one of those forums or go to one that describes the type of relationship I'm in. I chose the second. Suddenly I'm the personification of Anti-Polydom. My situation is mine. I don't have the power to influence anybody to do anything. I don't see myself running from thread to thread and telling people to get the hell out of dodge right now to prevent this from happening to them. I also don't see myself bashing the way anyone lives. I don't understand it, but that's where that ends on here. Somethings just aren't meant for me to understand. Shrug.
And my situation is no different than those of you who woke up after x amount of years of a monogamous relationship and marriage and acknowledging that it's just not enough. In my case, I accepted that only getting a fraction and some of my wife simply wasn't enough anymore. It's the reverse for me.
Once again, I hope you're all doing well and thriving in your lives. If not, I hope things work out for you. Out again.
Last edited by Matt; 03-14-2013 at 11:52 AM.