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Old 03-13-2013, 06:41 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,511

TGIG ....I think you're confused on a couple of things .

First let me ask if you think its possible for someone to have an awakening.? Do you understand the premise of the reverse awakening as it applies here.?
2) There's a difference between realizing that poly exists and is a possibility after years of mono, versus realizing after years of poly that you don't really want it at all and were just going along with it to make someone else happy. Sticking with mono because you aren't aware of other options is quite different from sticking with mono OR poly because you're trying to make someone else happy by not being honest with yourself about what you want.
#2 If a person was a serial monogamist, a cheater, etc for years (history) ...finally gets married ...commits to a traditional mono marriage.. is happy for several years ...has kids ....more years pass ... not so happy for a period of time and then he or she reads a book see's a tv show has a dream or whatever and boom it clicks I"M POLY ...I"M wiring for non monogamy.
Is that person a liar? Was he or she Lying to themselves and their spouse all that time ?

Where's the line in trying to assimilate trying to make things work for your wife/ marriage, the greater dynamic AND doing things "just" to make someone else happy.

I think he knew what he wanted and I think he was trying hard to see if it he could achieve a watered down version of his ideal and giving her what she wanted. Does that make it a lie ?

1) You ALWAYS have to consider the spouse and kids, imo. I'm never one to say, "You have to stay married because that's what you agreed to" but he DOES have a responsibility to his kids, at the very least. For those who realize they want poly after years of mono, I say the SAME THING: go SLOWLY. Be gentle with your spouse's feelings. Take BABY STEPS. Remember that other people's lives are entwined with yours and RESPECT that. How in the hell is anything different being said in this case?!?
#1 Yes people should consider the spouse and kids, but thinking with in the strict confines of the reverse awaking concept when does it happen in regular awaking ? I've never seen anyone suggest they should carefully weigh the effects of changing the marital dynamic on children when considering taking up a poly lifestyle with a reluctant spouse. Ive read a lot of threads never seen that. Please list the ones you've said that on.

3) The full stop is the problem. That wouldn't be "celebrated" in a mono-to-poly relationship either. He's making quick, unilateral, devastating decisions. Like if I woke up today and said, "Oh, sorry MC, I've spent the last month or so thinking about it and I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm going to take the kids and move in with TGIB." Umm, NO, that would NOT be okay, or encouraged, or fucking celebrated. I'd be out of my damned mind and extremely hurtful and disrespectful to the person I chose to have kids with.
#3 the word "celebrated" was used to describe how a new person is treated upon their personal awakening. The words of support to the new member. Following that internal wiring....not on the particulars of their executing their plans for their new lifestyle or the effects it had on others within their sphere.

The general advice is to be patient and provide educational materials, and emotional support to the partner caught flat footed. It's their identity thats who they are except and deal. In this case it's the opposite....compromise ...His identity for her time management and being a "co" partner. He doesn't want to be a co partner . Fuck that ....that doesnt matter it's his culturally caused repressed emotions causing a knee jerk reaction.
Yeah, the general advice is to be patient and LEARN MORE. So what's the problem with applying it here?? Learn what these feelings really are, where they come from, and take TIME to figure out if they can be gotten past/dealt with. It took 12 YEARS to get here, I don't understand what's so awful about recommending 12 MONTHS to figure out where everyone wants to go from here.
Nothing wrong with the suggestion of taking his time and thinking it through. It seems he's being judged for his decision. He British so he's got cultural baggage surrounding repressed emotions. Why can't he have a mono identity? That seem to be belittled by those thing. Her identity must be honored ...and his can be compromised. the compromise is his ideal partnership and life for some time management. How would you do that with gay person ?

Recently on 3 active threads the struggling spouse or mono partner was advised to end the relationship....if ya cant get a handle on your emotions ....if your miserable all the time end it, Chalk it up to relationship life cycle, hard limits, knowing when to say when.....incompatibility. But not in a case of reverse awakening.

It just seems you cant have it both ways seems unfair.

I assume to all here thinking these thought that their transition from mono to poly was met with complete love and understanding.
It's all about how much time has been put into it, in either direction. The wife has put 12 years into her poly relationship as the hinge in a V before learning that her husband didn't want poly. I put 10 years into my relationship with my husband before I added a boyfriend, and MC knew the entire time that I was non-monogamous. If he suddenly decides one morning that he doesn't want this/me/my lifestyle then yeah, he damned well BETTER be prepared to put some time in to working through things. We may still end up split if our differences turn out to be irreconcilable, but he's not going to be able to just walk out and "decide" to remove himself from the equation. Not when he married me and decided to have kids with me knowing EXACTLY who and how I was.
This is a very valid point and agree with you. Also a flaw in my logic is the difference is the author's point of view. The strugglers that I was thinking about were the partners of the "awakened " In this case ...(reverse awaking ) that advice should be given to FOL and like you said after an appropriate amount of time of her struggling to be mono.

Matt's wife didn't force him to be part of something he didn't want. He CHOSE to and told her he was okay with it, and funnily enough she chose to believe her spouse. So pardon me if I think slowing down before drastic actions are taken is his price to pay now.
Yeah ....i didn't force my wife either. I asked along the way ...even paid for marriage counseling for god knows how long. Funny enough I chose to believe mine too. How do you slow down on an Identity ?

A person walks up and says "sorry honey I'm gay" do you slow that down. How do you compromise.
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