Hi there, fine folks of the Polyamory.com forum! You might remember when I started posting a few nervous queries/concerns a month or so ago regarding my monogamous relationship and my hesitation to open it up. Well, since then, I've discussed things in greater detail with my SO, and we decided to open up our relationship. We also become engaged, and are planning a handfasting/commitment ceremony for this Summer. Things between the two of us are amazing, I'm so very in love with him and so happy with the way things are going. I told him that I fancied one of my female friends that he and I had an ill-fated threesome with several months back, and told him I wanted to sleep with her by myself.
After many tear-filled conversations regarding what we both wanted, my fears and inhibitions, he finally agreed to letting me see her alone. It wasn't like I twisted his arm, a lot of the problem was believing he was okay with it. I didn't want to just take a cursory, initial reaction as a go-ahead and jump into something without making sure he was really, truly good with the decision.
We both agreed that if another person came along that we were interested in, regardless of their gender, we'd tell each other, discuss it, and allow each other to date that other person. My big hang up is that I'm bi (pansexual, really) and wanted to sleep with other girls. He's only interested in women, and I was having a hard time, afraid my jealousy of letting him see other girls would make me insane. He said he'd be okay with letting me date another guy if I so chose. Having that freedom was the solution, I instantly felt comfortable in letting him see other women. (It wouldn't seem "fair" to me if I could date girls but not other guys if he was allowed to see other women, yanno?) I don't see me being interested in another guy anytime soon, but knowing that if I am I have the option to be with him is all that I needed.
I asked my SO if he'd be okay with me using dating sites to connect with other girls, and he said he'd be fine with that, too. I have, in the last few days alone, made contact with several fellow pansexuals in poly relationships! Even if we never have any intimate contact, getting to know of their existence has made me feel less guilty of my own desires, knowing so many other women are out there in the same situation as me. It's one thing to think other people are out there, but to actually meet them is liberating. I ordered a copy of "The Ethical Slut" from Amazon. I'd heard of it from being on these forums. I feel like things are progressing in a direction I've wanted them to for years, like a major puzzle in my life has finally been put together.
I still worry that I'll get all crazy and stupid once my SO finds another girl to date (although right now he seems content enough with me) but I suppose I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it
I want to thank everyone on here for your advice and support. I'm sure you'll be hearing much more from me soon!