Royally Screwed Up
Warning: This is a "poor me" thread. You've been warned.
I've spent the last few months finishing up school, applying for the appropriate licensure, dealing with ageing parents' serious surgery (a hip replacement that ended up being recalled and resulted in a local infection that spread to the lymph system, and the other had a spinal fusion that extended from the thoracic to sacral spine and ended with a month long stay in the hospital due to an E. coli infection). My grandfather passed away of stomach cancer in late 2012, my father's dog died, and basically life decided to hit me hard all at once. (I'm whining, but I have a good career, a good family, and no debt.)
I had a good boyfriend with a decent metamour. I made the mistake of not continuing to develop those relationships and pulling away. He's used to me after three years, and I've probably messed up not "doing the work" of a relationship. And there is no excuse, and like every time, God bless the fella, he forgives me, and he'll put up with me only making time for each other every month or two. And I appreciate this.
But this isn't the greatest mistake I've made. This summer, I met a couple who can only be described as a pair of unicorns. And I messed it up. Had a couple of beautiful, magical dates, and I'm pretty sure they both liked me. I sound like a stupid sixteen year old, but I actually felt nervous, if not scared, like these weren't these inexplicable, deep, beautiful feelings, but just a nice rush of oxytocin and dopamine to my brain. I wrote them both a text this evening with an apology, saying how much I enjoyed this company. I am unsure if this was creepy months later, or somehow a major mistake, but it had been eating at me for a month.
I've been on a date with a mono guy (who was disinterested when I mentioned I was poly; some gain, no great loss). I didn't have nearly as much fun as I did with the Unicorn Couple. Am I being a moron who just needs to cut my losses? Do I pick up the phone and make some calls?
I work an odd schedule now working every third weekend (Friday, Saturday, Sunday), for 17 hour shifts, but my other weekends are free, and my other two weeks are 5 AM - 5 PM M-F and 9 AM - 9 PM M - Thurs. I feel like I'm being unfair to expect anyone to put up with my introversion and terrible schedule, especially as a woman. (We're supposed to be supportive nurturers of our partners, right?)
I don't need to tell the more experienced poly folks that one of the major faults of self-described poly folks is that we can be selfish little jerks, and I fit the bill. I want to move past that, learn more about making time without being weak and codependent, and if I missed this amazing opportunity and there's no way to right it, how do I grow and be a better woman?
If you've read this wall of text, thank you for your time and consideration.
“Edit yourself, bitch. Edit yourself.” – Chad Michaels